It's been awhile...

Okay so here it is, almost 2009 and not much has changed. I bought a house and thats about the extent of it. So far it has become what i feared it would, an expensive bandaid for a different issue. I try to walk around like i dont care that the world is paired up, and i'm not. I try to let it be what it's going to be. But, after having the same results most of my life - i dont know what or how to change it so that i get better results. I have spent so much of my time blending into the scenery that i now blend in a little too well. I'm still the go-to person for most of my friends when they are having some sort of issue. And i still find it amusing that i'm the least experienced yet i get asked the most questions. I've also been questioning myself. I have been second guessing myself and it only makes things worse. Now its the holidays, as if i wasnt already stuck in a downer cycle, lets just rub it in a little more that i have no prospects. Is this as big a deal as i am making it out to be? no. But it gets really annoying when do go out with the crew - being the only truly single one there - and they still get all the attention. I'm not into alot of attention...but a little here or there wouldnt kill anyone. I know i'm not the most exciting person on the planet but i've been told i am quite amusing. i got involved with a group thinking i'd meet people. Yah, older married people. Not exactly the thought i had in mind. I dove back into my hockey obsession thinking i could meet people. So far, I got nothing but a couple thousand pictures and season tix... Oh yeah and I've met my original favorite NHL player twice now. Anytime i consider the issue, i get a song stuck in my head from disney's mermaid -"part of your world" or part of that world...whatever... short of whoring myself out... what does a person with brains got to do to get noticed around here?

"a red brick in a white wall..someones brush forgot to paint..."

Derailed.

Okay so, update. Long story short - same characters different day different setting. Same song and dance with #3. Holding on to the image I had back in 2002 rather than seeing the obvious in the current. Not sure what to make of the current…. Ooh and let’s not even get into the discussion about being ‘appreciated’ versus ‘valued’ or ‘cherished’…. yah I’m still slightly annoyed over that one.

Moving on. I have had a sort of crisis of self reliance of late. Since I was 12 I have thought I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life career wise. I had a good theory too - it’s the most and least repetition you could have in a job. I still like the kids, but maybe it’s the young 3’s I have in the morning that are just draining me, but I just don’t seem to have the same passion as I did before. Or is this my mid-stride doldrums that I have hit before?

I don’t know, just when I think I am getting the hang of this ‘adult’ thing and things are workin in all aspects of life … well I just sort of trip and feel like I am fighting a losing uphill battle. Yah I know most of it is all in my head; my perception and perspective are a bit skewed - thank my family.

Outside of that whole lack of enthusiasm, I think I have been cutting myself off from the world again. Or maybe its just the cold weather. I haven’t been out doing anything really beyond work and hockey. I’ve lived in this blasted town for 3 years and still don’t feel remotely like I fit in around here. How much of that is because I don’t go out and how much of it is accurate? Beyond the obvious of getting out and about what adjustments do I need to make to find what I am really searching for?

Of course then there is also all the approvals I get for my photos (which of course I always think could be better) do I pursue and spend the money on this hobby or do I continue with the status quo? Do I attempt to turn it into a fund generating endeavor or do I do I continue to do it for the parents and players and the love of photos? Could I really make money on my shots?

All I know is I need to change something and I have no idea what exactly that change calls for. My perfectionist tendencies seem to be blocking my mental train of thought so I cant see clearly. By not resolving it I’m sinking further into blah mode. I need spring so I can at least get outside and wander to help clear my mind…

Thoughts? Suggestions? Idiosyncrasies?

You know how to reach me.

2008... Really…. ?

So, new year new outlook right?

Not so much. For as much that has changed in the last 6 months, is as much that hasn’t changed. Beginning of July, I got to hang out with #3 again after barely hanging out for ~2 years. Without comin out and sayin it, I could tell he wasn’t happy; just as I could two years prior when I met the gal he was dating at the time. Forward to September, he finally got rid of her and he wants to come visit. Umm, oookay. So we’re back to the old ways now where I see him whenever I can, but we’re not dating really. Last time I was down there, as far as I know we parted on good terms, but I haven’t talked with him lately. I have tried to get in touch, but I’m feelin a little ignored. If we’d had plans, I’d start to be concerned but for the moment I’ll just let him be and guess he’s busy.

I don’t know what I thought would come of his coming around again. For awhile there, he didn’t seem like he was using me as a fill in ‘til he thought he found something “better.”

I do and I don’t care. I don’t care because it’s his life and through the blessing of free will he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do no matter what anyone thinks. BUT, I do care because this is my life I’m allowing him to toy with. I mean yeah I should do something about it - make a stand - but we have history and I still have respect for the guy and... well, I care. I’ve known the guy for just over 5 years now and… I just don’t know how much longer I can do the maybe/maybe not dance we’ve been doing.

When I get the word from him he's seeing someone exclusive and I put it all away, start to let go. And right at the point where I think I’m ready to move on, he comes rollin back around more or less with the same song and dance and I buy into again all the while waiting for that flashing yellow yield sign and impending red. Which brings it all back again, and means when that red finally gets back I have to find a bigger box.

Right now I’m sittin at the yellow light listening to how this new gal he’s ‘kinda’ seeing is “a little naive and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.” Okay, yay for you but what are you really trying to tell me? Because I have a backbone and call it like I see it I’m ‘mean?’ is that it?

It’s like winning second place in a contest you didn’t know you entered. And apparently keep entering.

I want to let him do his self discovery thing after the 2 year relationship thing. But honestly, how much longer do I allow this ‘game’ to go on before I throw in a proverbial towel and say screw it and lose a close friend in the process? Any sane person forfeits a fight they’ll obviously lose. I guess that means I’m not as sane as I thought.

I’ve been in this loop for 5 years…with little variation... at what point do I get off this ride?

How much longer do I let my original gut response, this individual is supposed to be an important part of my life somehow, continue to dictate how long this loop continues?

I'm not suggesting he's the 'forever' guy, because only the fates know that; but what is his significance so we can quit playin this 'go away, wait a minute' game we've been at so long already.


(Lorrie Morgan, "Go Away" - look it up you'll understand)

Delusions & Thoughts

Okay, so it’s been awhile since I posted. What can I say - it was a good hockey season!

Lately I have been trolling through the online personals and wondering why I’m getting nowhere. Then a thought crossed my mind. What is the real problem?

I know my issue is the fact I have high expectations and unrealistic delusions thinking there needs to be some exciting story. If I want a story I should become a writer, because that’s the only real way it would happen. The further I thought about what I was viewing, the more frustrated I became. Society has lost its ability to communicate. Think about it. Most divorces you hear about these days boil down to that simple fact. The opportunities I know I haven’t taken - besides lack of confidence - boil down to a lack of communication. You would think with the advent of the internet, text messaging and cellular phones people would be better at communication. And then, is that all that is to blame? No. I think not. Lets go back to another simple device. Television. Its been scientifically proven that your brain basically shuts down when you watch it. No original thoughts prevail when you watch the mind numbing box. Now, I am guilty of watching it too. But its also been proven that it is a contributing factor to the obesity epidemic. Which is totally detracting from my original point, but anyway.

So, I’m trolling through these ads - seem like nice enough guys, some of them - and I think back to the last few online guys I have actually met. They were decent guys - most of them - but they really left no impression on me. Communication stopped and I really wasn’t too upset over it. Some were entirely too co-dependant for my tastes, and others just seemed indifferent to begin with. We are all doing the same old song and dance and yet at random intervals someone manages to find that person that gets them. It appears we get along on “paper,” but there is a severe lack between reality and the “paper.”

I had a discussion recently about how people meet these days. it’s a general consensus that the bar is not the place to meet high quality people. I got involved with a local organization, to no avail on the singles front; I work with mostly women so that won’t fly. Those of us that don’t go out much are screwed. I was involved with different organizations during college, but most of the guys that were part of those groups were taken and some of the others, eh. I have yet to locate in reality or in discussion places where people meet these days. My general theory over the internet is that its overrated. It’s a bunch of people being elitist over a simple picture. Good or bad. Half the time people probably don’t get past viewing a picture. And then you have people who were never very good at “selling” themselves to begin with and now they have to do it toward people who are judging them on a picture anyway. It’s no different than life. People judge based on what they see before they even talk to you.

People may say to get out to fairs, festivals, and concerts. Been there done that. I guess I just blend in too much, although what I keep telling people is I’m just picky. Which is also true, but how can one afford to be picky when no one’s payin attention anyway? And those that are payin attention, don’t have the balls to do anything about it.

In the words of Saving Jane:

“This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand
And if you're thinking about changing my direction...
Don't mess with Imperfection.

My back is weak
But my will is true
Got good intentions but I never follow through
I say too much
Don't know when to leave
In case you're looking that's my heart there on my sleeve

Ego trips and stupid slipups, I'm a mess but..

This is what you get…”

…Thoughts and Theories…

Okay, so it’s been put out there that positive thinking and making things known, helps the world bring you what you desire. For example, you think life sucks and you believe life sucks – you’re going to be living a sucky life. This of course, is all based in perception. Your perception of yourself is what drives and motivates decisions and choices available in your life.

No matter how chipper and with it I seem; I am wracked with negative self talk and self doubt. How did that happen? I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of me. Yet, I probably think the worst of me. My sarcasm and general distance from people are my walls. What happened in my past that made me generally untrusting of people and incredibly harsh on myself? Was it the assholes I grew up with? Was it my cousin who could do no wrong and blamed everything on me? Where did my insecurities come from? Better yet, why did I buy into it? Because this bleeds into my next thought…

If I believe that no one on the planet is any better or worse than me – why even though I am totally drawn to a certain person do I feel that they are ‘out of my league’ per se? And yet there is something important I am supposed to get from interacting with this person because the draw is so very strong. I have sensed similar draws before, but never had this strong of one toward any one individual, not even the ex-boyfriend. And with time passing as it naturally does, my ability to interact with said person is dwindling quickly. Being the highly independent person I am; do I accept offers from people within the circle to expedite interaction? Or do I maintain the status quo and do nothing and see if anything happens? Being that this individual is someone in a spotlight, I don’t want to seem like a crazed fan – or obsessed for that matter. And I am pretty sure, though I could be wrong (yeah I said it – I could be wrong), that this is a one sided draw – as all our interactions to this point have been under a minute and there has only been 3 opportunities for short conversation. After the last interaction, I went into a serious session of doubt over what this draw could be. I don’t want to impose my ideals over any potential situation, but - this doesn’t seem like a ‘crush’ - I don’t know what else it could be. The last few weeks I have sensed some proverbial corner is going to be turned, is this a part of it? Why am I even worried about it? Part of this session of self doubt brought to mind the theory of ‘leagues’ and made me feel even worse. And of course, no one is doing this to me, it’s my entire internal monologue that somehow got programmed in there and I have no idea where the re-record switch is yet. People I have talked to about the situation are incredibly upbeat about opening myself to the possibility, but I have to be rational here. Should anything develop, I don’t want me building it up into some fairy tale in my head to screw it up or b) to be horribly impaled upon should I be mistaken about the reason I’m drawn to this individual. The more I have seen this individual outside of things, the more genuinely appealing they are. The more I have heard them talk, the more I’d like to know. What is going on? What currently impedes my ability to do anything is the fact the chances of interaction are slim. Plus, apart from their chosen profession and my pictures, what is there to talk about? Obviously that’s part of the getting to know people phase and this is where the doubt and negative talk creep back in and I HAVE GOT TO STOP THAT. Secondly, what do I have to do to move this forward? (Besides having a chatsky with said individual!)

Another piece of this theory is about noticing coincidences. And the coincidences that have come up seem to point in this same general direction…. And last night I went to sleep asking my ceiling what is the deal and I had a dream about some broken eyewear – which if you look up, means your vision and perception is impaired. You are not seeing the facts correctly… Is this related I don’t know. Is this my flag that my doubt is unfounded? Because over the weekend I had a dream and it left me with a name, possibly related to said individual. Which all I can find about seeing a name in your dream: to see a familiar name written in your dream, symbolizes the way you feel about that person. Your intuition about them may turn out to be true. Due to the name I saw, I have to do some research to find out if it is related to this whole situation. What I saw was a first or middle name and a specific last name; and it was at the top of a “myspace” like webpage in my dream. Welcome to my neurosis!

I could theorize forever, but I must work in the morning. To be continued….

Losing what’s left of the mind I thought I possessed.

I don’t know what’s up with me. I had a fine normal day; the kids were unusually good in my class (although I wasn’t there for part of the day). I had yet another drama filled meeting, although this time the drama had nothing to do with me. I actually got to watch my shows for the first time in like 2 weeks. And then it hits me, like a bad crash from a sugar high. I am not happy with many things right now in my life…well not happy is a little strong – let’s go with not what I expected.

Now, granted, age 27 has only been for a few days now…. And ever since eh, 24/25-ish I have hit this same low at this time of the year. Last year, it seemed to last most of the year. This year the crash seems incredibly harder than usual, I just hope it doesn’t last like last year.

Now I know you can’t “plan” the life you’ll have. You can have ideas but it’s never going to go according to plan. I’m rational, I get it. Inevitably you set certain expectations for yourself along the way. I’m guilty of it too. I guess what gets me the most, is that I thought by now SOMETHING would have changed. So far, really nothing has. I think at best I have developed a small filter between my thoughts and my mouth, but not nearly enough to be effective.

What I need is a change, some thing significant… something huge and preferably non catastrophic as well. I thought being involved in something would help, but it’s not enough – or it’s not the change I need. For that matter – what do I need? And better yet how do I begin to acquire it?

And why the hell does it bother me so damn much that I am single? Why do I put effort into that concern? In the span of my 27 yrs and 12 days I have been with someone for only cumulatively 2.6 years; which, my friend - consists of 4 different individuals over the span of the last 10 years.

Perhaps my frustration comes from a theory provided in the following quote:

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." ~ Julie Delpy as "Celine" in Before Sunrise

Or perhaps it comes from the fact I watched too many Disney movies growing up and still have flights of fancy that fairy tales really can come true; even though my rational mind laughs hysterically at that thought.

I just…. I just…. I don’t know…. I guess I’ll have to ride this low tide of self doubt, self pity and frustration and see what happens when I get at the other side…. But I’m impatient and I want to know now goddamnit!

Final thoughts on Ought Six…..

So here it is the end of the year. What an interesting year. For the first time in my history I dated two guys within a twelve month span. Which few people knew about either of them; and no, it wasn’t at the same time. I don’t play that game. I got to be the one to dump someone for a change. Not so sure I liked that and it’s really not that much different from the other side of that fence.

The best part of the year by far was: Red Wanting Blue. I was able to see them five times this year. And it was an amazing show every time! By the time I went to the last one in mid December, some of the guys remembered me by sight. And if they were confused – I just had to remind them I was one of the like seven people at the show in Janesville. The Janesville show was awesome. There was only a few of us there at the Sunday night show so I got to hang out with the guys before and after – some of the best guys I can say I’m getting to know. I hope 2007 is an even bigger year for them!

I also took myself to Chicago this year; went to see the field museum. They had Tut on display. While the original plan was to see Tut, it didn’t work out. But I did get to see the rest of the museum and RWB played the Cubby Bear that evening. Turns out I spent some time in the city and the ‘burbs this year; between Katie and Jer and the Cubby Bear (mostly).

Best two concerts of the year would probably be the first visit in May to the Cubby Bear and then the OAR show both with Katie…. We had fun besides seeing the musicians. As a matter of fact… she still owes me a dollar! ;) *inside joke*

I started going to many more local hockey games; by my self. I have never been someone to fall all to puddles over a good looking man – but, I find myself in that exact position lately. If you’ve known me for awhile you know this it’s true. Not only is the one player the best visual I have seen, when I have heard him speak he actually sounds like he may be smart too. I could go on at length about what I have gathered from his interviews on the ice and at the weekly show, but why bother? You don’t want to read that. Besides, the likelihood of any connections being made is not realistic. But I wouldn’t mind being friends with him or most of the guys on the team! Some seem pretty cool from what I have gathered. I joined the boosters to get me some sort of time away from the couch – so far at least I have been entertained…I’m still getting to know most of the Boosters so I can’t really say if it was a good idea or a bad one. Time will tell and if nothing else, I got to be creative for awhile.

I have found I feel most alive and spunky when I am in the midst of creating something. Usually that creating is done by way of artwork or crafts. I didn’t feel very seasonal this month, but I was happy because I was crafting ornaments and the other raffle project. And everyone loved the ornaments. I can’t believe the one didn’t break when it fell on the ice! The player (who signed it) and I both almost had a heart attack when it dropped!

So, here’s to ’06, May it be remembered well.
And here’s to ’07, I hope it’s better than swell!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was lame.

Further proof its past my bedtime!

I hope 2007 is a much better year on all fronts for myself, as well as anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings!