Figments of my Imagination

It's been awhile...

2008-12-01T20:32:00.002-06:00

Okay so here it is, almost 2009 and not much has changed. I bought a house and thats about the extent of it. So far it has become what i feared it would, an expensive bandaid for a different issue. I try to walk around like i dont care that the world is paired up, and i'm not. I try to let it be what it's going to be. But, after having the same results most of my life - i dont know what or how to change it so that i get better results. I have spent so much of my time blending into the scenery that i now blend in a little too well. I'm still the go-to person for most of my friends when they are having some sort of issue. And i still find it amusing that i'm the least experienced yet i get asked the most questions. I've also been questioning myself. I have been second guessing myself and it only makes things worse. Now its the holidays, as if i wasnt already stuck in a downer cycle, lets just rub it in a little more that i have no prospects. Is this as big a deal as i am making it out to be? no. But it gets really annoying when do go out with the crew - being the only truly single one there - and they still get all the attention. I'm not into alot of attention...but a little here or there wouldnt kill anyone. I know i'm not the most exciting person on the planet but i've been told i am quite amusing. i got involved with a group thinking i'd meet people. Yah, older married people. Not exactly the thought i had in mind. I dove back into my hockey obsession thinking i could meet people. So far, I got nothing but a couple thousand pictures and season tix... Oh yeah and I've met my original favorite NHL player twice now. Anytime i consider the issue, i get a song stuck in my head from disney's mermaid -"part of your world" or part of that world...whatever... short of whoring myself out... what does a person with brains got to do to get noticed around here?

"a red brick in a white wall..someones brush forgot to paint..."

Derailed.

2008-02-26T22:15:00.002-06:00

Okay so, update. Long story short - same characters different day different setting. Same song and dance with #3. Holding on to the image I had back in 2002 rather than seeing the obvious in the current. Not sure what to make of the current…. Ooh and let’s not even get into the discussion about being ‘appreciated’ versus ‘valued’ or ‘cherished’…. yah I’m still slightly annoyed over that one.

Moving on. I have had a sort of crisis of self reliance of late. Since I was 12 I have thought I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life career wise. I had a good theory too - it’s the most and least repetition you could have in a job. I still like the kids, but maybe it’s the young 3’s I have in the morning that are just draining me, but I just don’t seem to have the same passion as I did before. Or is this my mid-stride doldrums that I have hit before?

I don’t know, just when I think I am getting the hang of this ‘adult’ thing and things are workin in all aspects of life … well I just sort of trip and feel like I am fighting a losing uphill battle. Yah I know most of it is all in my head; my perception and perspective are a bit skewed - thank my family.

Outside of that whole lack of enthusiasm, I think I have been cutting myself off from the world again. Or maybe its just the cold weather. I haven’t been out doing anything really beyond work and hockey. I’ve lived in this blasted town for 3 years and still don’t feel remotely like I fit in around here. How much of that is because I don’t go out and how much of it is accurate? Beyond the obvious of getting out and about what adjustments do I need to make to find what I am really searching for?

Of course then there is also all the approvals I get for my photos (which of course I always think could be better) do I pursue and spend the money on this hobby or do I continue with the status quo? Do I attempt to turn it into a fund generating endeavor or do I do I continue to do it for the parents and players and the love of photos? Could I really make money on my shots?

All I know is I need to change something and I have no idea what exactly that change calls for. My perfectionist tendencies seem to be blocking my mental train of thought so I cant see clearly. By not resolving it I’m sinking further into blah mode. I need spring so I can at least get outside and wander to help clear my mind…

Thoughts? Suggestions? Idiosyncrasies?

You know how to reach me.

2008... Really…. ?

2008-01-08T21:53:00.000-06:00

So, new year new outlook right?

Not so much. For as much that has changed in the last 6 months, is as much that hasn’t changed. Beginning of July, I got to hang out with #3 again after barely hanging out for ~2 years. Without comin out and sayin it, I could tell he wasn’t happy; just as I could two years prior when I met the gal he was dating at the time. Forward to September, he finally got rid of her and he wants to come visit. Umm, oookay. So we’re back to the old ways now where I see him whenever I can, but we’re not dating really. Last time I was down there, as far as I know we parted on good terms, but I haven’t talked with him lately. I have tried to get in touch, but I’m feelin a little ignored. If we’d had plans, I’d start to be concerned but for the moment I’ll just let him be and guess he’s busy.

I don’t know what I thought would come of his coming around again. For awhile there, he didn’t seem like he was using me as a fill in ‘til he thought he found something “better.”

I do and I don’t care. I don’t care because it’s his life and through the blessing of free will he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do no matter what anyone thinks. BUT, I do care because this is my life I’m allowing him to toy with. I mean yeah I should do something about it - make a stand - but we have history and I still have respect for the guy and... well, I care. I’ve known the guy for just over 5 years now and… I just don’t know how much longer I can do the maybe/maybe not dance we’ve been doing.

When I get the word from him he's seeing someone exclusive and I put it all away, start to let go. And right at the point where I think I’m ready to move on, he comes rollin back around more or less with the same song and dance and I buy into again all the while waiting for that flashing yellow yield sign and impending red. Which brings it all back again, and means when that red finally gets back I have to find a bigger box.

Right now I’m sittin at the yellow light listening to how this new gal he’s ‘kinda’ seeing is “a little naive and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.” Okay, yay for you but what are you really trying to tell me? Because I have a backbone and call it like I see it I’m ‘mean?’ is that it?

It’s like winning second place in a contest you didn’t know you entered. And apparently keep entering.

I want to let him do his self discovery thing after the 2 year relationship thing. But honestly, how much longer do I allow this ‘game’ to go on before I throw in a proverbial towel and say screw it and lose a close friend in the process? Any sane person forfeits a fight they’ll obviously lose. I guess that means I’m not as sane as I thought.

I’ve been in this loop for 5 years…with little variation... at what point do I get off this ride?

How much longer do I let my original gut response, this individual is supposed to be an important part of my life somehow, continue to dictate how long this loop continues?

I'm not suggesting he's the 'forever' guy, because only the fates know that; but what is his significance so we can quit playin this 'go away, wait a minute' game we've been at so long already.

(Lorrie Morgan, "Go Away" - look it up you'll understand)

Delusions & Thoughts

2007-06-12T18:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it’s been awhile since I posted. What can I say - it was a good hockey season!

Lately I have been trolling through the online personals and wondering why I’m getting nowhere. Then a thought crossed my mind. What is the real problem?

I know my issue is the fact I have high expectations and unrealistic delusions thinking there needs to be some exciting story. If I want a story I should become a writer, because that’s the only real way it would happen. The further I thought about what I was viewing, the more frustrated I became. Society has lost its ability to communicate. Think about it. Most divorces you hear about these days boil down to that simple fact. The opportunities I know I haven’t taken - besides lack of confidence - boil down to a lack of communication. You would think with the advent of the internet, text messaging and cellular phones people would be better at communication. And then, is that all that is to blame? No. I think not. Lets go back to another simple device. Television. Its been scientifically proven that your brain basically shuts down when you watch it. No original thoughts prevail when you watch the mind numbing box. Now, I am guilty of watching it too. But its also been proven that it is a contributing factor to the obesity epidemic. Which is totally detracting from my original point, but anyway.

So, I’m trolling through these ads - seem like nice enough guys, some of them - and I think back to the last few online guys I have actually met. They were decent guys - most of them - but they really left no impression on me. Communication stopped and I really wasn’t too upset over it. Some were entirely too co-dependant for my tastes, and others just seemed indifferent to begin with. We are all doing the same old song and dance and yet at random intervals someone manages to find that person that gets them. It appears we get along on “paper,” but there is a severe lack between reality and the “paper.”

I had a discussion recently about how people meet these days. it’s a general consensus that the bar is not the place to meet high quality people. I got involved with a local organization, to no avail on the singles front; I work with mostly women so that won’t fly. Those of us that don’t go out much are screwed. I was involved with different organizations during college, but most of the guys that were part of those groups were taken and some of the others, eh. I have yet to locate in reality or in discussion places where people meet these days. My general theory over the internet is that its overrated. It’s a bunch of people being elitist over a simple picture. Good or bad. Half the time people probably don’t get past viewing a picture. And then you have people who were never very good at “selling” themselves to begin with and now they have to do it toward people who are judging them on a picture anyway. It’s no different than life. People judge based on what they see before they even talk to you.

People may say to get out to fairs, festivals, and concerts. Been there done that. I guess I just blend in too much, although what I keep telling people is I’m just picky. Which is also true, but how can one afford to be picky when no one’s payin attention anyway? And those that are payin attention, don’t have the balls to do anything about it.

In the words of Saving Jane:

“This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand
And if you're thinking about changing my direction...
Don't mess with Imperfection.

My back is weak
But my will is true
Got good intentions but I never follow through
I say too much
Don't know when to leave
In case you're looking that's my heart there on my sleeve

Ego trips and stupid slipups, I'm a mess but..

This is what you get…”

…Thoughts and Theories…

2007-02-13T22:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it’s been put out there that positive thinking and making things known, helps the world bring you what you desire. For example, you think life sucks and you believe life sucks – you’re going to be living a sucky life. This of course, is all based in perception. Your perception of yourself is what drives and motivates decisions and choices available in your life.

No matter how chipper and with it I seem; I am wracked with negative self talk and self doubt. How did that happen? I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of me. Yet, I probably think the worst of me. My sarcasm and general distance from people are my walls. What happened in my past that made me generally untrusting of people and incredibly harsh on myself? Was it the assholes I grew up with? Was it my cousin who could do no wrong and blamed everything on me? Where did my insecurities come from? Better yet, why did I buy into it? Because this bleeds into my next thought…

If I believe that no one on the planet is any better or worse than me – why even though I am totally drawn to a certain person do I feel that they are ‘out of my league’ per se? And yet there is something important I am supposed to get from interacting with this person because the draw is so very strong. I have sensed similar draws before, but never had this strong of one toward any one individual, not even the ex-boyfriend. And with time passing as it naturally does, my ability to interact with said person is dwindling quickly. Being the highly independent person I am; do I accept offers from people within the circle to expedite interaction? Or do I maintain the status quo and do nothing and see if anything happens? Being that this individual is someone in a spotlight, I don’t want to seem like a crazed fan – or obsessed for that matter. And I am pretty sure, though I could be wrong (yeah I said it – I could be wrong), that this is a one sided draw – as all our interactions to this point have been under a minute and there has only been 3 opportunities for short conversation. After the last interaction, I went into a serious session of doubt over what this draw could be. I don’t want to impose my ideals over any potential situation, but - this doesn’t seem like a ‘crush’ - I don’t know what else it could be. The last few weeks I have sensed some proverbial corner is going to be turned, is this a part of it? Why am I even worried about it? Part of this session of self doubt brought to mind the theory of ‘leagues’ and made me feel even worse. And of course, no one is doing this to me, it’s my entire internal monologue that somehow got programmed in there and I have no idea where the re-record switch is yet. People I have talked to about the situation are incredibly upbeat about opening myself to the possibility, but I have to be rational here. Should anything develop, I don’t want me building it up into some fairy tale in my head to screw it up or b) to be horribly impaled upon should I be mistaken about the reason I’m drawn to this individual. The more I have seen this individual outside of things, the more genuinely appealing they are. The more I have heard them talk, the more I’d like to know. What is going on? What currently impedes my ability to do anything is the fact the chances of interaction are slim. Plus, apart from their chosen profession and my pictures, what is there to talk about? Obviously that’s part of the getting to know people phase and this is where the doubt and negative talk creep back in and I HAVE GOT TO STOP THAT. Secondly, what do I have to do to move this forward? (Besides having a chatsky with said individual!)

Another piece of this theory is about noticing coincidences. And the coincidences that have come up seem to point in this same general direction…. And last night I went to sleep asking my ceiling what is the deal and I had a dream about some broken eyewear – which if you look up, means your vision and perception is impaired. You are not seeing the facts correctly… Is this related I don’t know. Is this my flag that my doubt is unfounded? Because over the weekend I had a dream and it left me with a name, possibly related to said individual. Which all I can find about seeing a name in your dream: to see a familiar name written in your dream, symbolizes the way you feel about that person. Your intuition about them may turn out to be true. Due to the name I saw, I have to do some research to find out if it is related to this whole situation. What I saw was a first or middle name and a specific last name; and it was at the top of a “myspace” like webpage in my dream. Welcome to my neurosis!

I could theorize forever, but I must work in the morning. To be continued….

Losing what’s left of the mind I thought I possessed.

2007-01-30T22:08:00.000-06:00

I don’t know what’s up with me. I had a fine normal day; the kids were unusually good in my class (although I wasn’t there for part of the day). I had yet another drama filled meeting, although this time the drama had nothing to do with me. I actually got to watch my shows for the first time in like 2 weeks. And then it hits me, like a bad crash from a sugar high. I am not happy with many things right now in my life…well not happy is a little strong – let’s go with not what I expected.

Now, granted, age 27 has only been for a few days now…. And ever since eh, 24/25-ish I have hit this same low at this time of the year. Last year, it seemed to last most of the year. This year the crash seems incredibly harder than usual, I just hope it doesn’t last like last year.

Now I know you can’t “plan” the life you’ll have. You can have ideas but it’s never going to go according to plan. I’m rational, I get it. Inevitably you set certain expectations for yourself along the way. I’m guilty of it too. I guess what gets me the most, is that I thought by now SOMETHING would have changed. So far, really nothing has. I think at best I have developed a small filter between my thoughts and my mouth, but not nearly enough to be effective.

What I need is a change, some thing significant… something huge and preferably non catastrophic as well. I thought being involved in something would help, but it’s not enough – or it’s not the change I need. For that matter – what do I need? And better yet how do I begin to acquire it?

And why the hell does it bother me so damn much that I am single? Why do I put effort into that concern? In the span of my 27 yrs and 12 days I have been with someone for only cumulatively 2.6 years; which, my friend - consists of 4 different individuals over the span of the last 10 years.

Perhaps my frustration comes from a theory provided in the following quote:

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." ~ Julie Delpy as "Celine" in Before Sunrise

Or perhaps it comes from the fact I watched too many Disney movies growing up and still have flights of fancy that fairy tales really can come true; even though my rational mind laughs hysterically at that thought.

I just…. I just…. I don’t know…. I guess I’ll have to ride this low tide of self doubt, self pity and frustration and see what happens when I get at the other side…. But I’m impatient and I want to know now goddamnit!

Final thoughts on Ought Six…..

2006-12-28T23:25:00.000-06:00

So here it is the end of the year. What an interesting year. For the first time in my history I dated two guys within a twelve month span. Which few people knew about either of them; and no, it wasn’t at the same time. I don’t play that game. I got to be the one to dump someone for a change. Not so sure I liked that and it’s really not that much different from the other side of that fence.

The best part of the year by far was: Red Wanting Blue. I was able to see them five times this year. And it was an amazing show every time! By the time I went to the last one in mid December, some of the guys remembered me by sight. And if they were confused – I just had to remind them I was one of the like seven people at the show in Janesville. The Janesville show was awesome. There was only a few of us there at the Sunday night show so I got to hang out with the guys before and after – some of the best guys I can say I’m getting to know. I hope 2007 is an even bigger year for them!

I also took myself to Chicago this year; went to see the field museum. They had Tut on display. While the original plan was to see Tut, it didn’t work out. But I did get to see the rest of the museum and RWB played the Cubby Bear that evening. Turns out I spent some time in the city and the ‘burbs this year; between Katie and Jer and the Cubby Bear (mostly).

Best two concerts of the year would probably be the first visit in May to the Cubby Bear and then the OAR show both with Katie…. We had fun besides seeing the musicians. As a matter of fact… she still owes me a dollar! ;) *inside joke*

I started going to many more local hockey games; by my self. I have never been someone to fall all to puddles over a good looking man – but, I find myself in that exact position lately. If you’ve known me for awhile you know this it’s true. Not only is the one player the best visual I have seen, when I have heard him speak he actually sounds like he may be smart too. I could go on at length about what I have gathered from his interviews on the ice and at the weekly show, but why bother? You don’t want to read that. Besides, the likelihood of any connections being made is not realistic. But I wouldn’t mind being friends with him or most of the guys on the team! Some seem pretty cool from what I have gathered. I joined the boosters to get me some sort of time away from the couch – so far at least I have been entertained…I’m still getting to know most of the Boosters so I can’t really say if it was a good idea or a bad one. Time will tell and if nothing else, I got to be creative for awhile.

I have found I feel most alive and spunky when I am in the midst of creating something. Usually that creating is done by way of artwork or crafts. I didn’t feel very seasonal this month, but I was happy because I was crafting ornaments and the other raffle project. And everyone loved the ornaments. I can’t believe the one didn’t break when it fell on the ice! The player (who signed it) and I both almost had a heart attack when it dropped!

So, here’s to ’06, May it be remembered well.
And here’s to ’07, I hope it’s better than swell!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was lame.

Further proof its past my bedtime!

I hope 2007 is a much better year on all fronts for myself, as well as anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings!

It’s all become so clear…

2006-09-30T12:16:00.000-05:00

Again I have been reading. This time I have found a book called “Born Fighting: How the Scots-Irish Shaped America.” Now, it’s listed as a non-fiction book; but without a time machine – I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

When I heard the term “Scots-Irish,” I originally had no clue as to what that entailed. I’d never heard of a country called “Scots-Irish.” Eventually, I learned that it was a term given to a sect of Scottish people who were forcibly removed from Scotland to settle in Ireland. But, to fully understand the Scottish people, you need to look a little further back in history. The Scottish people were originally a Celtic society based on clan loyalty over monarchial rule and very territorial. During their Celtic days they were also travelers who assimilated into a culture. According to this book, even if you think you may be pure German, you may find out you could be a little Scottish if you dig into your family history far enough. Scots are fighters and if you lose that loyalty factor, you better have a good army to back you up. Apparently, BRAVEHEART is a near factual account of a time in Scottish history.

When the Scots-Irish migrated to the U.S., they were the original mountain men. They were the ones headed west into the vast wilderness. They held onto their beliefs of loyalty over political systems and yet they are credited with the origins of current warfare tactics and systems as well as credited with being a part of the core of forming our nation. And still, because of their acceptance of people and assimilation into other cultures, they are an all but forgotten piece of American history. Most people in the country don’t know what a “Scots-Irish” person is or that they even may be one. Yet, these Scots-Irish people are also credited with being the original “rednecks.” These are the same people who over the centuries have been the largest makeup of our military.

So what is the personality of the Scots-Irish? Vigorous, hardy, loyal, assertive, individualistic, thrifty, democratic, pioneers, warriors, in your face, on your feet independence, leaders, competitive, athletes, writers, musicians, thespians, isolated, infinitely stubborn, mistrust the aristocracy, and probably don’t recognize they are part of this heritage. These are your typical middle class persons, who (due to the current administration) will eventually find their way back to the poverty that brought them to this country.

These are the people who still have a lot of members in the south & mid-west and will still take loyalty over politics. These are the people who still believe in the second amendment. These are the people who should stand up and take back what is politically the nation’s foundation. These are the people who could effectively hold the government accountable for their recent actions and bring about changes that are desperately needed. They have accomplished this historically many times, its time to rally and fight for true freedom and basic inalienable rights once again.

Just a thought…

2006-09-11T20:12:00.000-05:00

Okay so I read this book about how people in their 20’s and 30’s are totally strapped for cash and the “American dream” is more difficult to achieve because of it. The book also explains some of the reasons behind why it is the way it is besides inflation. The most prominent reason is because the federal minimum wage hasn’t increased in years, while the rich continue to line their already overflowing pockets. It also states that Reagan is the primary reason Gen-X’ers don’t trust the government. The book states he basically convinced everyone during his terms that they shouldn’t rely on the government to help them. He was very convincing, his little idea worked and now no one really trusts the government.

Then today is the anniversary of a devastating day. They say that you remember where you were five years ago much like the previous generation remembers where they were when JFK died. I have to say that morning is crystal clear in my memory. Right down to the conversations I had about the situation with the family I was staying with in Michigan.

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a layperson when it comes to the government and the logistics of how it is supposed to work. Every government class I have ever had has bored me to tears (almost literally). Yet, I have friends who love it so I just ask my dumb questions to them and they give me the info I need. I just call it like I see it – and in other aspects of life - my accuracy is high.

Okay so, we said Reagan set us on a path of governmental distrust. Papa Bush didn’t help matters much and Clinton, well - he had a one track mind. Junior Bush isn’t any better than Papa, and dare I say he may very well be worse. None of the past 4 presidents have even attempted to re-instill the trust in the government that once existed. The terror attacks happen and yet apart from new airline regulations, terror alert levels and racial profiling of those from Middle Eastern backgrounds; nothing has really changed.

Junior comes into office and decides he’s going to make sweeping changes. Tax breaks! [For the rich] No Child Left Behind! [Hold teachers accountable – but don’t back it up with people from the field – do whatever Junior ‘thinks’ might work] And then countless other useless-to-the-common-man adjustments to the governmental policies. He sends our friends and relatives over to play in a sandbox rather than chasing after the culprit of the attacks. (I know you’re screamin we are there too – but not at the capacity we should be - our power is in the sandbox instead.)

My argument to this whole fiasco, who is holding Junior accountable? “Oh well there is a checks and balances system in place with the legislative and judicial branches…” To you I say BAH – HUMBUG! The legislative branch in part is just as crooked as the man at the top. With the right amount of money you can sway any one of their opinions to suit your cause. Our government is pissing of the nations of the world one country at a time and no one here at home seems to question this or even notice for that matter. Let’s move over to the little mess in Iraq, shall we?

First of all, we should have been in Afghanistan busting asses for allowing terror cells to follow through with their mission rather than digging a dictator out of his rabbit hole. Even now, do we have peacekeepers following the few troops over there around trying to give the next generation an idea what we are about so they don’t hate us as well? My guess is no. But instead, we have our troops playing in the desert because of a rumor about weapons of mass destruction that have never come to fruition. And seriously, what was the real reason we are in Iraq? WMD’s, no. Oil, our president is an oil man- whether or not he still owns any oil rigs – I think yes. And I firmly believe this is the real core reason: to finish off what Papa Bush started. But of course, we can’t tell the world that; that might put us in a much deeper hole than we are currently in.

Now, we have a few large issues hovering over the president that will stain his mark on history.

#1) failure within the CIA and like agencies to prevent the atrocities that occurred in September 2001
#2) failures to locate WMD’s in Iraq
#3) the “war” in Iraq - it’ll be Vietnam all over again in hindsight
#4) failure to maintain troops in Afghanistan to eradicate or bring to trial the terrorist leader in a relatively quick fashion
#5) No child left behind
#6) tax breaks which really only benefit the rich
#7) failures to raise the minimum wage in relation to the inflation rate and cost of living.
#8) FEMA and Homeland Security at the devastation that was Hurricane Katrina
#9) the inability to use polysyllabic words fluently
#10) can anyone remember Florida and the “hanging chad” issue that got his reign started?

Whether or not this president is a “good” person is not relevant due to the fact that almost everything he says or does proves he is nothing but a bumbling idoiot on a puppet string. Who in their right mind would not have graciously excused themselves (ideally to return at a later time) immediately upon hearing there was a problem of that magnitude in NY? AND THEN – the reaction on his face; it was not one of concern. NO, it was very similar to the look a child might have if you took away something of theirs – more pouty with a little anger mixed in.

And then there is the controversy over the whole September 2001 event as it stands. Sure the commission report tells a lot, and the newscasters have shared plenty; but has anyone truly been given all the information? HA – No. The government censors it all because they believe, we as a nation cannot handle the truth. We are but ignorant children in their eyes. They no longer look out for the common voter or non voter for that matter. Yet they expect us to trust them as they lie, cheat and who knows what else to get their way. As I said before, with the right amount of money, you can get anything passed into law. It is no longer laws for the common good; it’s laws for the rich and who cares about the rest of the citizens.

I say as citizens of a country, we need to stop worrying about what everyone else on the planet is doing and nosing into their business more than necessary, we need to start holding our Government accountable for its actions. Start from the top and work your way down. Stop allowing Junior and his minions to point the finger of blame elsewhere and force them to do a reality check and point the finger at themselves. Finger pointing in general should be reserved for those of a young age who have not learned to internalize right and wrong – not for those who are supposedly voted in as competent adults to stand in the highest offices of the land.

The government needs to be held accountable for its actions at home and abroad. We are the ‘land of the free’ and yet poverty rises. ‘Land of the free’ and our government is making more and more constrictive rules that benefit no one but the rich. The country is tailored to a middle class that is disappearing – because we’re going global, but is that truly in our best interests? We all know Junior is looking out for the best interests of the rich, but who is looking out for the best interests of the common person?

If teachers have high nearly unreasonable standards to teach to (EVEN THOUGH IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT PROCESS NOT PRODUCT) I say we need to hold the government just as accountable for its actions and reactions. I doubt in any circumstance which I have discussed, the "end justifies the means."

And don’t even get me started on what I think of our Governor, who claims he wants to get rid of Chicago-style politics in Springfield and wants to distance himself from his predecessor; and yet is pulling some of the same tricks. And no I dont trust his competetition either. She's as bad as he is.

The winds of change….

2006-08-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

At any other time in my life, I have known where I am going next, what the big plan is. Example. I always knew I would teach. Now I teach. I always said I would go to WIU. I graduated WIU with my bachelors. I said I wanted to move to where I currently live and obviously did. I am presently at a point where I don’t have a next goal. At least not one I can do anything about at the moment. I have to wait until spring before anything can happen with it – in the mean time I have to survive where I am. But that is all work related. I don’t have a next personal goal. I have considered different things that could be that next goal but none I feel solid about. To top off this lack of direction, I have been very frustrated by it and the fact that I have been isolating myself in my apt. I use the excuse about funds (which is the truth but annoying none the less), or I just nap. And I enjoy a good nap, but all the time? Seriously. It’s affecting my night sleep. I have tried to get back into my routine of going to bed by 10 for school, its not working. I have tried to get back into my routine of meditation and yoga, it’s not as centering as it once was; and napping is more appealing.

I hate feeling like I don’t know what to do. This spinning compass thing is beyond getting old. Everything I used to have no problem doing on my own (ie: hiking) I have talked myself out of for one reason or another. Typically I use safety as the excuse, but really the odds of me having problems are slim.

And then there is the other thing. I am constantly fighting something. Typically an idea or to prove that I’m as qualified as the paperwork says even though I do it my way; really though, what have I got to show for it? Plus, I’m tired of being the only one on the boat fighting for what I intrinsically know is right. How much more proof do you people need?! And yet, what the hell do I have to prove in the first place? I don’t care what anyone thinks.

I can’t keep isolating myself. It’s unhealthy on sooooo many levels. It doesn’t help that I figured by this point I would be at a different point in my life and yet this is where I am. The fact I have no idea how to get moving toward that direction is not helping matters either.

Perhaps I should pick up a bad habit so I have something else to blame my issues on….

The wind didn’t blow…

2006-08-14T17:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, the 411 is… it didn’t work out. Lesson? For as far as I think I am in working out my past, is only half as much as I needed to go. I knew going in that it probably wasn’t right, but under the suggestion of others, I gave it a go anyway. At any rate, he’s basically pissed at me and I really don’t give a flyin. Last weekend I was stuck in the apartment because of a lack of funds and high gas costs and it gave me plenty of time to think. I know what I want but I haven’t found it in the right package yet. I have seen a couple of packages that were close, but not close enough; which on the other hand is fine because I’m not in a place where I am completely comfortable and 100% open to whatever the wind blows my way. The fact it all started mid-pity party was another big flag. Now that I have opened the door to allowing friends to make suggestions.... another one already knows someone who visually fits the bill but cant tell me anything about the rest of him....so i guess we shall see....

Yet another concern that I have, is what is going on that I have been considering heavily and thinking about ‘what might have been’ with someone else in my past? I went from nothing to almost constantly playing the “what if” and “what does this mean” games in my head. Neither of which is very productive. I’ve been trying to re-work through it again and put it back on a shelf for posterity, but for some reason it’s like a map you can’t refold no matter how hard you try. I don’t get it. That door is more than closed and I have come to terms with that so why is it all flooding back? I mean shit; I barely talk to the kid as it is since we both have lives and all that crap. On the one hand, it makes me wonder if we weren’t meant to play a larger role in each others lives, but on the other hand – would I be better off if none of it had happened? What am I supposed to get from this person that I haven’t yet so I can move on? I am conflicted. At this point, I’d like to just go buy a new friggin map! I just don’t know anymore……

I have also come to the realization that I am not going to get back into my old building for this term. I will be stuck in a church – and if you really know me that’s comedic right there. But it’s a job, and I can try to get back into my original building in the spring most likely. Which could quite possibly be some form of karmic retribution for contributing to stirring the pot last spring; however, I was also lied to so I don’t know. The director of the department basically promised I’d get back in to my building this fall for three months and then has been back-peddling for the last three.

This past weekend was softball playoffs. Needless to say we had fun but didn’t play well. In the last 2 innings we needed an extra girl cuz the replacement for the replacement had to get to her game and ours ran longer than expected; so I ended up playing. I knew I should’ve worn my boots – then I wouldn’t have had to! I ended up pacing in right field and was up to bat once and of course I cracked it good, but the punks caught it. Surprisingly the run didn’t cause an asthma fit. BUT, now I’m expected to give it a go for fall ball. I dunno bout this!

I did end up with a checkup to the MD today. Continue what I’m doing with the meds and come check-in in six months. Hokay. But where did I lose 15 pounds in 5 months? And when? I am certain my 20 mins of play on Saturday had nothing to do with it. And I haven’t changed anything other than not chasing kids around. I did start drinking less caffeine but 15 pounds? Not likely. I haven’t gotten out as much as I’d like either for blading and the like.

If anything happens… I blame Brittany….

2006-07-08T14:14:00.000-05:00

Okay so, follow along its about to get confuzzled. There I was just a few short weeks ago, receiving yet another ‘aisle’ notice and getting frustrated. I was in the midst of one of my pity parties where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees and other such nonsense. Normally I just go it alone and let it run its course, but for a change I let Brit in on the insanity that is my inner monologue; which of course leads to her wanting to know, and/or me volunteering the information, who I have been talking to lately and all that jazz. Well, I gave her links to what I had for photos/info on these guys and she perused them; giving her approval only for one and a half. Of course the one she approves, I haven’t talked to in a bit - he got a little busy and fell off the planet. Anyway, I messaged him to see why he fell off the planet and see what’s up and then within a couple of days we were hangin out.

At first I was concerned because there was a lot of ‘ex’ talk on both sides. I thought perhaps this was going to turn into something out of ‘High Fidelity’ – a couple different scenes came to mind so I won’t go into that. By the end of visit #3, that all resolved itself. Then we’ve already registered complaints. Nothing big there, basically I’m not easy to read or very flirty. Whatever; which leads to askin what my complaints are…cccrrraaapppp…..well, of course I had to mention the one that was stickin on my mind the most. Granted it’s not a deal breaker, but more of a concern. And, it’s something he’d resolved to work on before I wandered in anyway.

I dunno I guess I hesitate on the whole situation anyway because I don’t know what to expect. And it kinda spooks me a little because some of the adjectives I have been putting a silent emphasis on lately, he’s already shown. Previous options have not been that quick. And of course the ‘ex’ conversation was followed by the ‘future’ conversation, although it has been stated otherwise I can’t help but wonder if he’s jumpin the gun on that one. Maybe I’m full of it and it’s just a rush to get into that kind of closeness zone, I don’t know but still…And then there is the whole pedestal thing. (we had that chat too) sometimes it seems like I am being put up on one and I’m not so sure I am comfortable with that – even if it turns out to be a small one.

So, I guess its time to get on the raft and see what kind of lazy river or roaring rapids lie ahead. Throw caution to the proverbial wind. Like I said, whatever happens, I blame Brittany.

Ignorance is bliss, and other such nonsense…

2006-06-23T09:44:00.000-05:00

It has been said throughout recent if not all of history that "ignorance is bliss." I wonder how that can be true. The sea of ignorant people is getting surprisingly deeper instead of shallower. More and more people selectively block out segments of the population still because of a choice or trait that segment has made or has. Thinking a child shouldn’t have their family because its bi-racial, homosexual parents, divorced parents, grandparents as parents, whatever reason. Thinking a segment of the population isn’t up to par with the Caucasian sector of the country because they are black, south American, Mexican, Asian, whatever. Segragative attitudes have divided since the beginning. When this country was first started, all the Europeans came over – the natives taught them survival – and the natives weren’t good enough. We were stealing their world right out from under them because we had a superiority complex. Later, the Irish came over and because they were still using their native Gaelic, they were treated unfairly. We still had a superiority complex. Yet, they still provided the police force, firefighters and learned to work politics and eventually gained acceptance, moving up on the social ladder. Now it is the same for people of Mexican and African heritage. Although the African American population has been working at it for some time now, they are still not generally thought of as equals in this country.

As long as there has been human life on this planet, there has probably been homosexual tendancies, only in the last few decades has it been becoming socially acceptable to be in public and exhibit such tendancies. Sure people still freak out and think they shouldn’t be able to raise children because its not natural and what not, but there are a lot more places in the country and in the world where it is okay for you to choose (if it really is a choice) that lifestyle. People with that lifestyle are now all over the cable channels and in a way teaching old and new that it isn’t a deviant lifestyle. With each sequential generation, those with different lifestyles and different cultures are becoming accepted as the norm. It just takes a lot longer than anyone wants to give it.

Ignorance is a lack of information or education. There are times when being uninformed can be a good thing ( proposals, surprises, promotions). For the most part though, being ignorant is not good. This is why racism and social classes and general fears of things we are unfamiliar with are still a huge part of the way of life in this country. The adults fear something new or unknown and speak out against it without fully comprehending the situation, belief or culture. They teach their children what they believe. The children follow that either until they get educated by another adult who is more accepting and who understands and become more accepting and teach acceptance or until they have children and breed the same fear and hate into the new generation. This can be equated to the cycle of violence.

Domestic violence in particular is a clear example of the last paragraph. A person walks into a situation or relationship with previous baggage or issues. They in turn take this out on the new partner. They may have children they may bring new children into the relationship. The first person takes out their old anger and frustration on the new person. The children see it and because no one has taught them otherwise, this becomes normal and acceptable to them and they grow up and cause the same pain in their relationships. They have kids and it starts all over. Occasionally, the abuser will get help and will accept help and change their behavior. More often than not, the abuser doesn’t see it as a problem and rejects all attempts at change and may cause even more pain (and even death) in the relationship. The person who doesn’t accept and take responsibility for their actions are the type who "can’t see the forest for the trees. "

Creating a world of tolerant, accepting people – begins when people get educated. One way would be to have a class at K-12 levels where they learn about other cultures. There are some states that require children to learn about one or two different cultures a school year as part of the state standards. Next, free classes or seminars for all adults to become educated in other cultures and violence prevention (particularly of the domestic variety); the only problem here is there is no way to enforce attendance.

Our collective world ignorance has lead to more than one war or skirmish. It has lead to fear, mass casualties, weapons of mass destruction and the lack thereof, guerilla warfare, gangs, general acceptance of violence as a form of entertainment, religious conflict, the rise and fall of Rome and other empires, and ignorance is the basis for the “I’m better than you” attitude.

AGAIN? GEEZ!

2006-05-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

Okay so a couple of days ago I got an email from one of them online sites where you register to tell the world via email you’re getting hitched. YET AGAIN, one of my younger friends is gonna do it; which then starts the never changing cycle of what the hell is wrong with me. Initially, it is the why not me and once I talk myself out of that it’s the why do I always think that first.

Do I mean to suggest that I am in a rush to do the whole “aisle” thing? HAHA. NO! The part that does bother me and that is the more…. depressing? …. Is that I do not presently or have I ever dated someone who has that kind of significance to have that option down the road. Came close twice now though to having someone around with the potential to have that kind of significance…

I have another “aisle” thing to go to later this year – at the moment its unofficial since there are no official invites out yet – but I have already been warned by multiple people I should be seeing someone by then to bring along. WH-UUUUT???? WHY?! I am fairly certain the world won’t come to a crashing halt if I go to yet another event alone.

Just because I am 26 and extremely single does not automatically suggest I will turn into a crazy cat lady – although to make life easier I have considered it. (that was a joke – insert laugh track).. if I believed in organized religion (and I don’t) I could have given up the search years ago and did the nun thing. BUT IM NOT INSANE YET! Then there was my grandfather, who in the last couple years before he passed wanted to know when I was gonna start bringin guys around and all that or if I would ever do the “aisle” thing. But all of his kids (save one) were already done with the “aisle” thing by my age. I was already two years old with an evil sibling on the way by the time my mom was my age.

Then again, with most of my friends being younger than me (which is what I get for having friends younger than me) doing the “aisle” thing, perhaps my being picky will work to some sort of advantage in the long run. I mean, with the high rate of divorce these days maybe it will be better for me that I am in no rush and have high expectations?

So, I’ve been thinking…

2006-05-01T19:28:00.000-05:00

The last couple of weeks I have had plenty of time to think. Between being surplused and trying to get away from the couch, people breaking plans and well no one having time – I have had a lot of time. A week ago it was gorgeous out on a Sunday morning, contrary to popular belief I actually rolled out at a decent hour and at 10 am found myself smack dab in the middle of a state park on my blades. It was good. As I was coasting down the hill, I mulled over a thought (besides not looking forward to that hill on the way back to the truck), the thought was about the current state of affairs in regard to society and the advent of the internet. Now I’m sure there have been stories or other people posting. Whatever. Here’s my two cents.

Really it didn’t start with the internet; it started with the social upheaval that was the 60’s and 70’s. The internet is just the biggest change. My point is this, since these decades and now with the internet, people don’t know how to socialize anymore. Or they just aren’t comfortable with it. Sure everyone interacts with society as a whole, we shop, and we go to local events. But who really meets people away from the internet anymore? THEN, you have the other part of this catch 22; a certain segment of the population uses the dating sites or what-have-you, and still rejects most of what they are matched with. Not only that, but they don’t actively take part in the new ritual that is online dating – they just post themselves. Then they wonder why they are the age they are and socially may have many friends, but hasn’t dated much or has a hard time getting back into nature.

My other thought lately is such… What is my problem? For the last 10 years at least, I have had no problem wandering off and doing whatever I wanted when I wanted how I wanted where I wanted etc. Lately though, I have been unwilling to do much, if anything by myself away from the couch. I have been vehemently frustrated and confused by my current state. I ponder if it is because I’m the most alone person of late or if it is because I feel a lack of direction. I laid out many areas of my life and so far met most of them. My biggest goal was to graduate college and get into my field of choice. I guess I really didn’t have a major plan after that and now I feel lost. Sometimes I think it’s because I am alone, and having a majorly significant person in my life would resolve most of the problem. But while nice in theory, it creates as many problems as it solves. I thought about starting classes for some of my other interests, but that only creates more debt at this point and I have plenty of that. I’ve also had more than enough of classes where everyone is younger than me. Sometimes I get down because I think I am the only 26 yr old person in such mind frames, but I know I am not the only one.

I find myself stuck in a rut I am completely unsure how to get out of.

Ooops, forgot about the plan….

2006-04-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

So it’s been a few weeks, and I was reviewing some of the recent entries. The get out and get mobile plan has not been instituted as of yet. But I do still have seven and a half weeks to get motivated. Then again I haven’t been totally hiding out either. I did go to an Icehogs game on St. Patty’s Day and actually got to meet and greet most of the team. I have also made a few trips to the home county to socialize with my friends. I also went back down to school and had I not had the equivalent of a 2 liter of Mountain Dew prior to going to Wal-mart, I probably could have met a few new people while I was there. Ah well, my friend and I had a good time none the less.

The weather is finally startin to stay nice so hopefully soon I’ll get off my bum and get back into nature. I don’t know why I am so unmotivated lately. Maybe I’m not ready to get out of my ‘hibernation’ but at the same time I am so very over sitting around this apartment all the time. I really need to find someone to buddy up with to help with the motivation thing. So far, no luck. Sure I have plenty of friends, but they are busy and don’t live near me. One of these days…..

Lemme ‘splain, no no, let me sum up…

2006-03-05T20:14:00.000-06:00

So I was out visiting with old friends last night. College chums if you will. One of them decided to inform me that she had someone to set me up with. Just so happens to be an older (30) person serving with her hubby. Basic selling point was the fact he garnered the ‘cowboy’ look. Okay, not enough information number one; number two, they couldn’t tell me, or rather wouldn’t, about his character or personality or intelligence. I can tell you all sorts of stuff about the significant males in my life in which I have been interested, in most cases it’s very little to do with the looks.

#1- only knew him online and the phone. Seemed very nice and we always had plenty to talk about. He went to work one summer where he didn’t have internet access and we lost touch. We talked over a four year span though. I bet if we hadn’t lost touch, we would’ve at least met by now.

#2 – he was more interested in me than I was in him. We were friends from one of my colleges. I was kind of oblivious to the fact he was interested in the first place but that’s another story. We had a bit of a rough start, but eventually we were friends. Well intentioned individual but very high maintenance. Plenty of ideas but no way to get things going. He was kind of all over the place, and he complained a lot. Eventually he just dropped off the planet… wont answer phones wont call back….

#3 – first person I really connected with since #1. We actually dated but we never got the communication thing down so it fizzled in that department. We’re friends still but sometimes I question how. He really doesn’t understand that I care very deeply for him still because he is my friend and we have the nice complicated past…. Couple reasons though that it worked and we’re still friends… he never wanted a boss and I had no intention of being one, due to his career choice he had nice muscular arms, he wasn’t looking for someone to come through and change him (neither was I) we were allowed to be ourselves. I didn’t care that he flirted with everyone at a party – it didn’t matter – because that was his personality and he wasn’t doin anything behind my back with them. His heart was good and he would bend over backwards and sideways to help a friend. Which some of these points confuse me because having a boss and being changed is something that appears to be happening now with his new fling and is really my only reason for not being her biggest fan. I think he can do better. He doesn’t seem as happy as he once was (and I don’t mean to infer that I had anything to do with once was). I just want all my friends to find happiness.

#4 – Very short lived. He was a very complimentary individual with many external problems that he internalized and made worse. We chatted for a few months and met a couple of times. Apparently I’m too opinionated for him because all the sudden after I told him what I thought about various topics at one point he dropped off the face of the earth and blocked any route of communication I had with him. Oh well, his loss. Plus he wasn’t exactly in a mental or emotional state to be nearing a relationship like territory.

#5 -? Haven’t found this one yet, so I guess we’ll see.

It’s all about balance

2006-02-28T21:10:00.000-06:00

Through discussions with a very good friend, I started on a path of thought. This path was started via discussions of single life and choices. It all led me back to theories of karma and balance. Everyday we are faced with a plethora of choices. Do we say what we really think of someone? Should we create a panic over a flat tire? Should I have a pity party about something that hasn’t gone right? Should I make myself feel inadequate over some incontrollable child? Who did I piss off to get stuck with…? Was relationship A or B the one that got away? What boat did I miss all my friends younger and older are getting hitched and I cant even find someone? These choices include an excessive push to put everyone and everything else before yourself.

Every day we face these thoughts and more. Some are spoke aloud others aren’t but they all get sent out into the collective human conscious; thus affecting your karma. Karmic beliefs, while I probably am not 100 percent accurate, state that what you put out into the world will come back to you. Even if you don’t speak it you are putting it out there. And for someone naturally skeptical, cynical, semi-rational and jaded, it is difficult for me to turn things off. If you know me, I have a comeback for just about anything you throw at me. It’s not always nice, but I tend to speak my mind. And, well…if the shoe fits….

Lately a turn of events as caused me pause for consideration of karmic beliefs. I spoke my mind to someone with car issues, offering suggestions on fixing their situation – which when you come to me with your problems I’ll tell you what I think and you can take it or leave it. BUT, through other discussions with this person, I think I probably let my opinion in too much which caused them to erase me from their fragile little world. And now, I have gone from having a decent vehicle to reeming out the guys that sold it to me. This morning my tire was flat had to walk about 3/4 -1 mile to get something to pump it up so I could get somewhere to have it switched for the spare, and then on my way home today the truck wasn’t accelerating like it should. It would only go to 25-30 mph and get stuck while the RPM’s went high. OBVIOUSLY – not good. But after I took my foot off the pedal and then waited a couple of seconds it was fine, until I hit another stop light. Then we started all over again. Which led me to calling people I know who know cars to calling the place I bought it from and having to take it in tomorrow. Which could lead me to pay a fortune to have it fixed –as much as I would prefer the dealer pay for the fix. Is this the balance? Is this related? Or is my current situation Karmic retribution for what I have said about a certain person in my building? (Even if what I have said was the truth.) Perhaps it is just my turn for car trouble? I mean the last couple didn't give me too much trouble, maybe I'm just due?

Which brings us back to balance… The moments in life I can recall feeling most balanced, I was meditating, doing yoga and around friends all on a semi-regular basis. Recently moved out on my own and feel very disconnected from life. When I moved it was fall, and winter came early so I have been cooped up inside for a very long time, that is the first problem. Secondly, I haven’t seen many of my friends because they are in the city, on a boat, fightin a war, still at school, moved on in their own way, in relationships, fighting their way out of relationships, in different states, etc, etc. I am always here for them, but I put myself in a cursory role. I don’t want to become a hassle to them; I know they are busy in their own ways so I back off and the phone stops ringing on both ends. It’s like that with family too. Plus with the cost of gas and going out and living on your own, who can afford to do anything? All of my current friends are atleast 45 min away. So I have sunk into a familiar form of hopelessness because I find myself stuck – how’s that for balance?

Then there is the whole yoga/mediation thing. I haven’t done it as regular as I used to when I was in school. I find excuses not to do it. Cant afford to pick up a class and go, choose not to do it at home because of whatever reason I can think of at the time. Reminding myself it will get better in the spring because it will be nicer out and I will __________ whatever. Will it though? Will things change in the spring? Which brings us back to the choices we make... or maybe its just that seasonal disorder?

Insanity Prevails

2006-02-19T17:26:00.000-06:00

In the days since my last post, I have been going insane. The inane abilities of my aide drive me insane. Just when you thought she couldn’t be more dense, she out does herself; this time by not keeping track of the children and putting many jobs in jeopardy. You already know the story if you’ve talked with me.

I also got cut off from someone I thought I was friends with. Sucks to be them, they chose to cut off all communication. At first I was hurt and saddened by the event and then I realized, it wasn’t that good of a friendship anyway. I wasn’t myself. Because they were more religious than I, I always felt I had to censor myself or preface something by reminding them I don’t believe what they do. I knew that would be an issue going in. Duh me actually was going to sit on the sidelines while they got their shit together and give them half a chance. Not my smartest move seeing as how they weren’t completely honest with me and that is a big deal breaker for me anyway. I would’ve at least liked to have a heads up that I was gonna be cut off, given a chance to defend my stance on things. Oh well, they aren’t as open minded as they claim to be.

I find myself craving spring already too. This sitting around penniless on the weekends stuff stinks. I want to at least be able to twaddle out to a nature preserve or call people up for hiking, biking, blading, whatever at this point. I want to go to co-rec softball games and see my peoples. I am tired of having my windows closed all the time – its time to air out this joint.

As for my idea to not be on the lookout for 17 weeks and to start playin pool… I haven’t. I find more excuses not to than I do to go. Mostly because of the cold. Or the effort it takes to go downstairs, drive out somewhere, play a round or 2 by myself and drive back and come back upstairs. It’s not as much fun on your own as everyone thinks.. then again that goes back to it being what you make of it too. I have parused the sites I am on but havent done anything with what I have seen. I probably should?

Band of the month: www.redwantingblue.com Red Wanting Blue is awesome I saw them back at school. They released a new album and I really like it. I wanna see them live again but they aren’t playin around here anytime soon. Some other bands I like are but I don’t want to go by meself nor can I presently afford it. Once taxes come back I will be straightened back out. Til then … ugh stupid cost of living. I really should consider a roomie, but who can I tolerate? Better yet who will tolerate me?

Alright – That is it! >:(

2006-02-05T19:24:00.000-06:00

I have had enough! I am tired of waiting around and just waiting. I officially call myself off the options list and choose not to actively seek out potential guys for at least 17 weeks. At 17 weeks the other annoyance in my world will be gone (if not sooner) and then I will be in a better mood to deal with most things. I’m going to find a way to get out once or twice a week to play some pool and even if it’s by myself for an hour I don’t care.

If anything in my little world of existence is going to change it is gonna have to start with me. And if I am going to choose to improve something I am gonna start with my pool game. By the time this happens, the weather will be warmer and I can go out and wander around state parks! I mean spring is only a few weeks away now…

I’m tired of doing things everyone else’s way. Then when they get a “no” they disappear. I can’t agree to everything every time. I have my internal belief system as to how things should work and to go and if it doesn’t go with yours too friggin bad.

I’m also tired of people not following through. I wouldn’t ask to hang out or whatever if I wanted to waste my time and energy on the planning if I wasn’t fully intentional on the hanging out. I mean it would be one thing if something came up and people were like okay so gotta change plans for whatever reason. But they don’t even do that! They just stop talking to you. Because that will work!

Long ago I made a plan for my life, so far it has taken longer to get most of it than I planned but I got it. Really all I am without is one part of the plan – which also happens to be the most frustrating part. And I had a dream about that one part last night, it was about #1. If I could recall what exactly happened in the dream I would but I can’t. Out of all the people I miss, non relatives, he’s the one I miss talking too the most. Since I’ll obviously never hear from him again, I’d love to find someone much like him. Perhaps I should stop looking in the areas I have been and start doin more hockey related stuff to find the right guy.

“Who knows the answers, who do you trust?” ~Jamie Cullum - "Twentysomething"

My next 25 yrs…

2006-01-13T22:56:00.000-06:00

It’s nearly the beginning of the second half of my first quarter century. Needless to say, taking the road less traveled isn’t any easier or harder than taking a well trodden path. I have to wonder if marching to the beat of my own drum for 25 years was worth it. It certainly didn’t win me any popularity contests!

Then again, unlike the majority…I can speak my mind, I do have my own opinions on a wide variety of topics, my interests aren’t limited to what’s ‘hip,’ I say what I mean and mean what I say. I question everyone and everything, I can make practical- often competent- decisions, I know I can survive for long periods alone without going insane, I know I can do what I want when I want with nearly no questions asked. Most people I know believe they can trust me, not every choice I’ve made was the best choice, being original takes just as much work as being popular. Fear of the unknown can be stifling, you can’t change anyone nor can they change you, you shouldn’t try to change them in the first place – you lose sight of the person you liked in the first place, belief in an instinctual feeling doesn’t necessarily mean they are ‘the one.’

No matter how stressful a situation a boss or professor –whatever- puts you in they can’t break your will unless you let them; even when they seem to gang up on you. When a close relative or friend dies, you won’t get over it as easily as you’d like to think. An emotion is never easy to express no matter whether its good or bad and it never seems to get easier. Its never easy to accept a compliment.

What will the next quarter century bring? "Who knows the answers, who do you trust?"

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix. Christina Baldwin

Things do not change; we change. Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862), Walden (1970)

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. Norman Thomas (1884 – 1968)

What am I thinking?

2006-01-02T19:55:00.000-06:00

Well, I found this new guy to be interested in – of which he is fully aware of. The issue then lies in the fact due to his current situation and mine in the past it was agreed upon to move slowly. Work on being friends first while he takes care of what he needs to do to feel like himself again and for me not to repeat past mistakes.

I do believe that philosophy has flown out the window. How do I know the things that have been said and done are directly related to the dynamic that is our hanging out and not some residual effects from his situation? Or even loosely related to my history?

I question this because I see some very obvious (not necessarily good) parallels beginning to appear between this and my past. But in that same breath, this one seems like a totally different flavor than the significant guys in the past. This one is a lot more complimentary about everything. I find some things that have been said a little hard to believe – I think that though is just me and my inability to completely blindly trust what is being said to me.

Sure some situations work out when they start backward, but I don’t want to put myself or anyone else through something if it’s just gonna end up down the tubes because of it. The other problem is on my end pretty much completely. I’ve always been a little inept when it comes to telling an interest or potential interest what I feel when they are present. I’m sure many people have this problem – I just consider myself an extreme case of it. I mean, when the person is there its like yes or no answers however minutes, hours, days later I can email them – not always succinctly- about it and let them know. Which I know doesn’t help my case at all.

The other thing seems to be that because this situation seems to be goin in reverse, this guy doesn’t know some things about me. Not that they are bad - they are just preferences. Like after a certain point – the kitchen is self serve. Another example is cuddling – I'm okay with it but after a certain amount I just prefer to take a break from it. I took a break from it during a recent visit and kinda got the impression that it was taken personal.

I’ll have to work on all of it – so this one doesn’t turn out like the past ones.

I guess we shall see.

End of the Year Summary Report…

2005-12-28T23:33:00.000-06:00

Well, what can I say it’s been a looooong year. I graduated college; I got a real job, my own space, a kitten, lost a cat and my grandfather within a month or so of each other. Oh yah and just snagged a used vehicular. I finally put away the last part of hope I was sort of clinging to for awhile with regard to a past relationship. I am actually at peace with the demise of that situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still friends with the kid – but I’m a lot more accepting of that now. And even so we’re not even talking constantly like back then; when we catch each other online and that’s about it…. occasional phone calls as necessary to update on the crew, but nothing to ignite that former hope. Took a lot less time than the original too(#1)! Go figure…

I recently met someone new who has potential. But I’m not totally sure that will pan out; he’s presently in the situation I was in back in September. Which potentially places me in a rebound position and I’ve not the patience for that sort of thing; nor the energy. Provided a couple of relatively minor issues get worked out, I can see the potential for something happening and working for a decent period of time. Good or bad he’s different from the usual people I keep around me. It would/will be interesting to get to know him regardless. And it’s the strangest thing… since I first started hearing from him – he’s had this lurking presence in the back of my mind – that hasn’t happened in a long time. Wonder Why.

Let’s see what ’06 has in store!

History & People from the Internet

2005-12-14T22:21:00.000-06:00

Recently I have been talking to some new people on line. Some show potential and others well, I think I may keep them online. With the wisdom from an old history teacher I consider whether or not to meet some of these people. The teacher once told us the quote about ‘history tends to repeat itself’ and I can’t help but wonder if this could become the case.

Back in the day I met a lot of people from the internet. Close to 30 so far since 1998, most of which I met before the new millennia struck. Of those nearly 30 people, I only still talk to two of these people. I hang out with them too. Initially, I think both of them considered something other than friends – but I never did and we’ve all moved on in our own directions with that aspect of life. I had one relationship…both of them have had a couple in the years I have known them. I’ve never gone into the idea of meeting someone from the computer that I could have a deeper interest in, and lately I have been considering this option with one of the new ones. Do I open myself up to such options? Or do I stick with what I know and just keep them at bay for awhile and then decide? I mean do I really want to even have the potential offer on the table?

I really don’t like the single thing but I don’t know about the relationship thing either. They are always so complicated and potentally messy. Am I in fear of the inevitable? Or am I in fear of the end so I don’t even want to try the beginning and middle? Obviously the current path isn’t working… something needs to change but what exactly?

Ahhhh….Hockey…… :)

2005-11-17T22:09:00.000-06:00

Today, there was a family reading night at school. We had a couple players from the local team come in and read with to the families that came in. It was a lot of fun. I ended up having a conversation with one of my parents (who I probably would be friends with if I wasn’t the teacher) about the cute guys from the team that came. (anyone who knows me knows my affinity for hockey players) As we were talking, it dawned on me. The list of visually appealing people that get a second look from me doesn’t match up with the kinds of guys I have dated in recent history or really since the aforementioned #1. The kinds of guys who usually catch a second look include those who play hockey at any level, those who look good in a nice pair of W’s (wranglers for the lay person) and a cowboy hat, those who can fiddle like the wind, and those who ride bulls. Following close behind these is a guy who can play a kit like no ones business.

As mentioned before #1 was a hockey player (he played for giggles and grins). The next guy I talked to a lot online, complete 180 turn from the first one – the only real thing he had goin was that he was from TX. Really, we probably shouldn’t have talked as long as we did. And this guy didn’t fit into any of the above categories. The next guy, well apparently he was interested in me but not vice versa. He didn’t fit into any categories either. He was a lot like the second guy but we had more to talk about… or more appropriately I gave him a lot of crap. The Next guy (previously known as #3) was the first guy I actually technically dated. The part of those categories where ‘slightly dangerous’ is a sub category of the job title – that’s how he fit in. I gave him the opportunity to mess with me in a multitude of levels. I let him get away with so much bull…Was he a smooth talker or was I just willing to go with the flow a little too much? The world may never know.

Now I’m still out looking. What will I find? I know what I have been finding lately isn’t what I want. And I don’t want someone who is totally defined by their job title either. I mean sure I’ll give the types listed above another look but that doesn’t mean they have the personality to go with the job title. “There is more behind the picture than the wall.”

Dream, Dream, Dream…

2005-10-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

Okay so yesterday, I received a bit of news. Good or bad, well I can’t say – I really have no justifiable opinion in the matter. Long story short, a supposedly close friend failed to hold up their end of a verbal agreement and I didn’t take it so well. As usual.

At any rate now that it is roughly 24 hours later, it is easier to consider this situation and what bearing it has on myself and the way I did or said things in the recent history of our friendship I would’ve done differently or for that matter should’ve done differently. Many things would have been different. But, alas, hindsight is 20/20. This makes me reconsider my loyalty to said person. For one, it reaffirms my belief that they don’t know me as well as I thought they did and vice versa. Surprisingly, due to this recent breech of trust, I don’t feel nearly as sad about the situation as I normally would. I gave them hell for it of course, but all is said and done and well good for them and don’t totally fall of the face of the planet. But you can stop expecting to have your cake and eat it too! I also feel very much taken advantage of, but I have no one to blame for that really other than myself – I allowed the stuff to happen with someone I thought I could trust and believed was a decent friend.

Of course I was stewing over the situation as I went to sleep last night. And had a strange sequence of dreams, at one point I was in like HS or College and headed out of a building toward a car – I think there was some mass exodus of some kind – and this guy I barely know wanted to reveal he had an interest in me and he ‘saved’ me from the parking lot situation. Now this guy is actually someone I know and haven’t seen in a long time. I have to wonder exactly what is goin on in my mind. The whole time I am having this dream I keep thinking to myself, of all the people, ****** why ******, where is this coming from, why didn’t I see this coming? But at the same time it was very comforting that it was this person.

Is this my own way of telling myself to chill out theres someone out there? Or is it some cosmic sign I should talk to some people more often? Or more accurately its just my own messed up head trying to confuse me more.

Here I go again on my own….

2005-10-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

Here I go again on my own….

Goin down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wastin no more time….

Gotta love the 80’s hairbands.

Ah well, I figured I haven’t been writing in months, I must have something to say. I found out last week my kitten is 7 months old – which explains many behavior issues. It has also been unofficially determined that he has a complex – sometimes he thinks hes a dog. I have never had a cat retrieve before. But this one does. You throw one of those crinkly balls for Binx (that’s his name) and he’ll go after it to play with it and subsequently bring it back. Oh yah and he will answer you when you click at him. I also cannot wait til I can afford to get rid of his front claws.

In other news, I recently went to ANOTHER Brad Paisley show. It was at the metrocentre. I must say, I prefer my outdoor shows. There is just something more relaxed and I dunno something about it is better. I do know I will totally call in for my tickets next time cuz I will get better seats. These weren’t awful, if it was hockey. Lets just say I have sat in better locations. And what bums the people I went with, the concert was over and they were ready to pass out. I was ready to hang out and have fun. Oh well what can you do?

Have u ever just felt like you wanted someone to curl up with? I mean I don’t have a specific known person in mind; it’s to the point where it’s just someone – preferably the right one. But let’s not ask for too much here. I don’t know if I am spending too much time here by myself or what but I have had a nagging feeling like that for a little while now. I have recently had an opportunity to meet new people but nothing has come of it as of yet.

The teaching thing is going, it was going well, now its back to just going. I now have a new aide and there was no transition between the two of them. Not good for me or the kids. And they have decided to pull anarchy since the new aide is here. I hate busting out the mean voice – I’m sure they hear enough of it at home. But ya know what crap happens and they will survive.

And then there is this other oddity, suddenly I have an affinity for Irish music, more importantly, drinking songs. Where this stems from I have no idea.

Okay well, I have lost whatever train of thought I was on…

Meet my new kitten!

2005-08-23T17:22:00.000-05:00

This is my new kitten. I havent totally decided what to name him. Any suggestions? He's an affectionate, lap cat who is very good at hide and seek. He was born a wild Kitty but he's pretty tame now.

Some previous suggestions include:
* Mossy Oak (after the bull in PBR)
* Booger
* Spaz

What do you think?

update: THIS JUST IN!

2005-07-18T20:52:00.000-05:00

I was right, new interest not gonna happen. For starters, there appears to be a GF. Secondly, i found out about a torrid substance abusing past. Dont care to be too involved with that! So friends it is... :) You can never have too many of them!

THIS JUST IN!

2005-07-14T19:55:00.000-05:00

Holy crapola… it’s been over a month since I last put up my two cents worth. Well, here is the 411. I had a party on the 9th for graduation, made out like a bandit (hell’s ya!) and will now be able to do one year of VIP seating at Country Thunder. I am soooo all about that! Friends came up for the party, but when #3 got here with his stereo, well all the old people decided it was time to vacate the premises, so basically he played for the half dozen or so people from our mutual college. The small group of us had a blast with the stereo and Frisbee’s. I was totally surprised when one of my old guy friends actually made it out to the party. Unfortunately, he didn’t stay long enough to meet #3.

Speaking of #3 he’s having a time of it; trying to move and get to where he wants to be in his life… he’s strong he’ll make it, I just hope he doesn’t fall off the face of the planet (figuratively) in the process. Another friend of mine from school will be off to join the world on a cruise ship playing trumpet. It’s just nuts to think I still have people in school and yet I have friends out of school who are going to be all over the place.

On a more personal note, I will be moving to Rockford, IL by the end of the year. I recently got a job teaching out there (I finalize on Tuesday). It’s not the place I wanted to be at but oh well it’s a job and it’s not in my home county. Hopefully all of my peoples will get to visit me at some point out there.

I have found a new person to be interested in, but I don’t feel that it will go anywhere. He’s entertaining but enjoys alcohol and cigarettes more than I care to be around. I guess we’ll see if I am right, but if so– there’s a ton of guys in Rockford! Hahahahaha!

I have another wedding to go to at the end of the month, another set of friends are getting hitched. I can’t help but think I helped in that match up a little bit.

Anywho, that would be the latest in my life. Now it is time to go get organized for my new job… YAY! And get ready to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (its Tim Burton- it HAS to be good!)

No News is Good News?

2005-06-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

Well, not much new over here, I had one of my old roomies get married and found out she’s preggers. Went to the wedding it was good. One of my other friends from MI is coming down next week, which brings in 3 other Michiganders it should be fun. I have been looking for a teaching position for the fall, nothing yet, but its still early (I think). Went to a grad party for one of the IL people, which was fun :). I have a party next month for me… that should be interesting depending on who all makes it.

#3 is invited but I have a feeling I am being ignored lately. He won’t answer my calls and he wont call me back for anything. I know he’s uber busy but geez, no one is that busy. As much as I don’t want to just totally give up on him in all respects on the one hand, I totally do on the other. Whatever rank I had with him I think its totally gone.

On a happier note, the magnolia tree we planted (its really only about 2 ft tall so far) and thought was dying is mostly alive, it has some new growth on it :). I also have some interest in a new individual. Although I don’t know that it’ll go anywhere. It should be a fun summer. Hopefully, one of the prospects will pan out. If nothing else hopefully I will be able to move out by the end of the year! And maybe even get a new vehicle… *crossing my fingers for a good job to come my way*

We shall see….

The long and short of things…

2005-05-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

Well, here’s what I have been up to. On April 18th my grandfather passed. The following weekend was the funeral. I was very unhappy with the funeral place; they put too much makeup on him. It’s one thing if it looks natural, its another if you can totally tell.

April 25th was my last day student teaching, and the night of camping. Student teaching was fun, but the paperwork involved from the college end, well it sucks. Teacher Work Sample can kiss my ass (although at the moment it’s more like kicking my ass). Camping was fun. We celebrated #3 and one of our mutual friend’s birthdays. We had a lot of fun. I was the fire starter, go me. It was much less about the authentic camping (we ordered Dominoes) and more about the get together.

The next day, #3 and I stayed at a friend’s room for the night. He’s lucky that I cant find it in myself to hate him. He went out to the bar, no big deal, “I’ll call ya when I’m on my way.” No big deal, that’s usually how it works. 2:11 a.m. “I’m on my way.” Okay… 2:15..not here yet… uh-oh there goes the sirens toward where he’s supposed to be coming from…umm… tried calling and beeping til 3:30 a.m. Nothing. Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt that all is well… Finally decided to head that direction and see for myself. Nothing is wrong, and his car is still parked where he called me from… interesting. Here I am in a panic thinking something happened because I couldn’t get him to answer the phone, and he’s just peachy. I was very upset. I couldn’t believe it, the least he could’ve done was to answer a beep and say “Hey something came up, take a snooze and I’ll beep when I’m on the way.” But nooooooooo, he didn’t do that so here I was in a panic at a time I should be sound asleep. When he finally did make it back shortly after I had returned to where we were staying, I gave him a really difficult time about the whole situation. “I had to take care of something.” Ya know, I didn’t ask what, it’s none of my business. He looked like a sad puppy, like I had hurt him when I was giving him a difficult time (I was pissed). He didn’t say much and went to bed. For some reason I’m not the most rational or clear thinking person at 3:30 in the morning. I apologized in the morning for being so hard on him, but I don’t know if that made any difference.

I have friends telling me this means that I have the “L” word for #3. I don’t know that I believe that. I know I care deeply for the kid or I wouldn’t have panicked like I did – but the “L” word? I don’t think so. And these are the same people who are telling me that he could have similar feelings because he shuts down when I ask him certain things. I don’t know that this is totally true; I mean the kid has straight up told me (on IM of course) that there isn’t now nor will ever be something more again. The last time I pushed that conversation was in August right before going to school. Although I do believe that because I, for some reason, still have hope for the situation; it is putting a damper on my finding the right guy. I mean, #3 has a good heart – but his reasons behind some of the stuff he says or does is a little difficult to understand. And I think that is a major problem for both of us. I don’t understand his reasons and he doesn’t understand why I don’t get it. And I think that heart is why I still have a shred of hope for the situation. Although I should really just can it and move along. I’ve had friends tell me that too... what I really need to do is have this conversation with him, but I already know what is gonna happen. I’ll get all frustrated and girly teary …ugh. When I do ask him something point blank, he will look at me, shrug his shoulders, sigh and shake his head. Ahh, frustration! This has been going on for two and a half (plus) years, I am so tired of not getting a straight answer! If I believe my friends, the not getting an answer is proof that he has mutual feelings. I'm not so sure I buy that...

2005: the year of death

2005-04-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

So far this year not only have celebrities died (Chris Ledoux, Johnny Carson & the pope), my cat died oddly enough on march 19 and now on april 18, my grandfather died. For those who do read me, he had been in the hospital since april 2, turned out to be pulmonary fibrosis or hardening of the lungs. At his age it is terminal. If he was a younger man he could've possibly gotten transplants. the disease is due to the fact he worked in concrete and construction all his life.. even after retirement part time... thats what that life can do to ya over time. if he had retired and relaxed more like most people, there is a chance he coulda been here longer before the disease hit...The disease wasnt on x-rays six months ago, it showed up suddenly (as it does) about a month ago but the docs in all their infinite wisdom thought it was asthma. He went in on the 2nd to the ER assuming he was just having an asthma attack. Eventually they figured out that the other thing was the real problem and cause of his shortness of breath and transferred him to another hospital. He stayed at the 2nd hospital the rest of the 16 total days he was in them. At one point the docs said he had 3 months and would go into hospice care, they all thought he was getting better and good enough to go home. so much for that theory. This friday and saturday is the burial and stuff... unfortunately i dont feel that i have anyone i can rely on family wise to be my emotional support (frankly they are all loonier than i am at this point). i had to literally throw myself into my student teaching in order to get thru the week. i asked #3 to come up sometime soon to just be here, he's gonna try but no guarantees b/c hes a busy person. I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with the whole sitcho... all i can think of is who's next? especially since most things happen in 3's or in our family roughly about 6's...

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

2005-04-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

Well, as part of my whirlwind weekend last weekend (the end of my spring break) number three was up, my grandfather went into the hospital (its not good), I went to Macomb and came back all in a span of 3 days. I have never been so wore out in my entire life! So much for spring break being relaxing!

After #3 came up, I came to the realization anything I thought that was a possibility in that situation- long or short term – was some fantasy I talked myself into believing. I know he still cares… but it’s not the way I would like and it’s really only in the friend/buddy sort of way. Which sucks, but now that I have noticed consciously perhaps that will free me up enough to find the right one. Personally I am just sick of waiting. And I don’t know what exactly has got me so impatient all of the sudden…I mean I have just as many friends in relationships as I do single…I hang out with both sides a lot… so what is the deal?

Why was I holding onto this one so strongly? I haven’t had that kind of issue since #1…Why do I feel the only way to change my current sitcho is to have a significant in my life? Isn’t this the modern age, shouldn’t I be able to feel secure and happy without one? I didn’t need one before #3 why do I so strongly believe that I need one after?

What about my severe lack of motivation this semester? I can barely get anything done ahead of time.. I can barely convince myself to start my work let alone get it done? This has been the most procrastination semester known to me. No matter what I do I can’t seem to find motivation to get things done or even started.. and I HAVE to do things this semester, it’s the last one.. the one they actually expect you to do well in…It doesn’t help that it’s spring, and I don’t have anyone to cut a trail thru the woods with. Its more fun to wander thru the woods when you have a friend with you. Come to think of it I haven’t been in the woods in a long time. Almost since last spring… bummer. I guess that answers part of the problem…

The Latest...

2005-03-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

On Saturday March 19, 2005 at 12:45ish p.m., my cat died suddenly. He was a good cat and as far as anyone knew in good health. Apparently he had a condition called HCM, its something cats get. I don’t know exactly the details, but it caused a blood clot in his lower back which traveled to his brain and caused him to have a seizure and within like 2 minutes he was gone. You don’t realize how big of a chunk of your life a pet takes up until they aren’t around. The only good thing about it is that he didn’t suffer long.

In other news, I only have 4 weeks left of student teaching and I can’t wait! This next week is my spring break, I sooooooooo need that too! Had my first real interview last week, don’t know how that went yet. I am guessing a big negatory but that’s okay; I really wasn’t totally comfy in that district anyway. It wasn’t as close to where I would like to live as I thought it was.

I still have the issue going on with #3, but I have also come to some realizations recently. I gave him extra crap over the littlest things and I wasn’t always nice when I was playfully giving him a hard time. I cut him down a lot. I want to believe that this was after the ‘official’ breakup portion, but I am not so sure that is the case. I also figured out that I am not as easygoing as I thought I was.. I really am picky about most things and scheduled, organized and routined. Most things need to be my way, no wonder I have back issues, migraines and stress induced issues. I am doing it to myself. I push and push until something breaks, and when it breaks I don’t know how to fix it. I put so much pressure on myself to do what I feel is academically, morally and socially acceptable or necessary that I can’t enjoy all aspects of life. I’m always worried about something or someone. I know in the beginning I was fair to him, but like I said after the fact I don’t know that I have been. I think I chose to make him the ventilation point of my frustrations and he’s not taken to kindly too it nor should I have tried to make him take it. Not only did I push him away in a sense, I forced him chose to look elsewhere (not that he doesn’t have a roaming eye to begin with) and caused him to lose whatever interest he had. I mean there must still be something there, he really wanted to remain friends.. but what is that something? Am I just on his reserve list, the just incase list, or is there really a friend list??

Life as I know it…

2005-03-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

So far the life is getting into the fast lane.. I am already doing Lesson plans for my second placement and I am in the middle of setting up an interview for what could potentially be my first real job. PARTY ON! Teaching the kids is easy, it’s the BS I have to deal with with the regional supervisor that is a real pain in the rear. Its been a long time since I have been bullied and I tell you what I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. The only difference is I have to take it for the time being because I don’t have that piece of paper yet that says I’m done. Oh and I cant wait to tell him exactly where to go and what kind of crap he pulled. I am presently counting down the weeks! I have finally reached the point where “my give a damn’s busted” and I just don’t care about the college’s end of it anymore. I am gonna do my crap to get done and move on. Which I wish I could do with the rest of my life…

Which leads to the current guy sitcho… yah, nothing has changed. I don’t know that it ever will one way or the other. I’m starting to believe there is nothing left with #3 and I’m clinging to the past. Or some demented fantasy I created in my head. Where is the “easy” button when you need it! I just want some straight up answers so we can all continue on our merry way. I mean he says one thing and acts another. What is the truth? How does he really feel? What is he afraid of that he cant give me a straight answer either way? I have given up asking mutual friends to get info… I think he’s onto that…they either don’t get anything useful or they find out something bad and just humor me and keep the “game” going…. It’s very draining…. I just want to go back to the way it was in the beginning or move to the total friends thing… I am tired of sitting in this rut. I probably have no one to blame but myself but he still has an opinion in the matter.. he is the other half of the situation either way.

I am so tired after last weekend, I just want to spend an extra day or week chillin. I spent 18 hours moving a friend this weekend and 15 of those were on the same day… it was mass chaos. I have never been part of such an unorganized move and I have moved a lot of people.

Time to finish planning and crash….

The Latest in Frustration

2005-02-25T18:40:00.000-06:00

Ah, it’s been awhile since I took the time to sit here and do this again. I am done with my first section of student teaching. It was hard leaving the kids but I managed. I found out my supervisor is working against me. Supposedly he straight up told my mentor to fail me. And yet he acts so fake and friendly in the voicemails… grrrrr! Apparently I’m not enthusiastic enough, but yet I get great reviews on paperwork and decent reviews on the way I do things. I know I have stuff I need to work on to do better at, I’m human that’s why I’m here! It’s just so frustrating the way they keep shoving that fact into my face… I’m bout ready to say screw it and quit… but I have come too far to quit at this point in time. I can’t wait til May when I can give the university the double bird and a big ol’ F. U. ! That place has caused me nothing but stress academically and personally since I got there; mostly from the faculty and the mostly juveniles that lived in my building.

I finally got over whatever it was that I had in my system. The doc said it was an upper respiratory thing whuteva. Although I think it may be coming back for a 3rd visit… one of the unfortunate side effects of working with young children. I cant wait to be done already. I am sick of all the BS that is going on with that university. Nothing but a load of crap I tell ya. Heaven forbid you have a mind and a will of your own.

OOOH! And out of the blue #2 actually dialed the phone… granted he’s still really bad at returning phone calls. I have a running theory that it will be another 6 months before I hear from him again…

I have other stuff goin on that I could write about, but when I sat down to write this I was in the middle of a cleaning spree… I think its time to get back to that…

Ahh, Frustration....

2005-02-06T19:55:00.000-06:00

This weekend was quite interesting of late. #3 and a friend and I went out and had some fun. As usual, the way #3 behaved, well, still walks the line. And then at the end when it was just he and I it was all sorts of on the ‘more than friends’ side. The friend we were with pointed out that a big part of the issues with #3 and I, is the way we see things. Hello, duh. I mean it was interesting the way the friend shed more light on things, but he really wasn’t telling me anything new and as much as I think #3 needs to see things my way, I need to understand his POV too. This is difficult for me because his way of reasoning doesn’t make much sense to me. This also hollers back to my last post about the way things change is the way they stay the same. No matter how much we change while we’re apart doing our own things, anytime we get together – it’s like things haven’t changed a bit. Am I just torturing myself with the whole situation or is there something really there that I just have to be patient for? I am tired of riding the proverbial fence on this one. I mean really, what is going on? Just when I think he’s finally really not interested in anything beyond friends and I can let go and move on, he does something that suggests otherwise. Often the something occurs when it’s just us but sometimes its when others are around too… grrr. It’s just so frustrating.

The more things change...

2005-01-29T20:31:00.000-06:00

I went to Macomb this weekend with some old friends. It was good times, but I also realized how true the following is: “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” I thought certain things were happening while I was at school before because some of us were hanging together too much; apparently it’s not that, it’s something else I haven’t quite identified yet. The exclusivity of cliques apparently changes with your location. If you aren’t around them anymore, then the person who left for whatever reason is excluded or ignored when invites to hang out are extended. I guess I’m just nostalgic for my first year there, I thought it would keep getting better after that, I guess not. I can only extend myself so far into trying to maintain a friendship. If the other party is no longer interested I wish they would say so and just let go instead of falsely telling me they’d stop in. I thought I hadn’t changed over the years down there, and that I hadn’t changed since I left. Apparently that’s not so either. The parts of me that have changed involve the ones related to tolerance. I am no longer tolerant of many things people say or do. I am sick of the BS. And yet things that stay the same are the real friends I made and the continuing interest I have in #3 against my better judgment and what some friends keep telling me. I know he says he’s not interested and I think that’s a cover for his desire to prove something to someone (he claims himself – I’ve asked) and his need to be incredibly busy.
What is it about this guy that I can’t get it out of my system? I mean it’s not just because he was the first for many things in my life. That can’t be the only reason or even the main reason. I know part of my problem is the fact that certain things other than friendship had continued to happen and probably if given the chance to would happen again. See this is one of those things that have stayed pretty much the same. Any time I ask him about the sitcho I get the same responses about how it would never work, he’s not interested like that anymore blah, blah, blah. But yet actions speak louder than words and what he’s doing says so much more toward the opposite. So which is true? What he’s telling me or what behaviors he is exhibiting around me? Do I trust myself and live my life til he comes to his senses, or do I let him go again and find someone new? He hasn’t moved any further than I have in this department, he’s not found anyone else either. People who know us and have seen us recently, think there is still something there on his end too. And yet he thinks I need to go out and experience more guys, which is something that won’t happen while I’m still sitting on a fence with him. He’s a decent guy, for as much crap as I have given him, but I don’t want to be his security binkie either. I can’t last much longer being toyed with by the proverbial string. Not to mention, I don’t permit other people to pull this kind of crap, why do I let him? Is it because I can’t let go or won’t? Is it because of the 4 letter L-word? All I really know is that I miss this guy a lot and I hate not knowing what’s going on. Seriously the more things change (what he says, attitude, needs) the more things stay the same (still keeps in touch, needs, behavior)… Where is the magic manual that tells me how to interpret him? Or other guys in general for that matter….maybe I should write one when I have more to say on the topic?

Planning Ahead

2005-01-22T12:03:00.000-06:00

Well here’s to planning ahead. Today I felt like being ambitious and put in an online app and also posted my resume to the ISBE and WI site. So hopefully this semester goes as planned and today won’t be a total bust. Found out the other day I probably have another bacterial infection like bronchitis. Doc ok’d some meds over the phone so here goes nothing! It doesn’t hurt so much anymore when I cough, but damn is it colorful! Pretty gross too...

It’s just under a week now before I go down to Macomb. I am ready or am I?

I turned 25 this week, and apart from getting sick, I really don’t feel much differently…

Strung along or something real?

2005-01-14T20:52:00.000-06:00

I just finished talking to #3 online. It was a pretty normal short chat. And when it was over I already missed him. Is this a manifestation of feelings for someone familiar and I think still want or is it something real? How can you tell? I have been listening to some different music lately. There is this new artist Jamie Cullum and one of his first releases is called “Twentysomething” and his sound is jazz. I really like it. Who knew? At any rate, this song has some great lyrics but the one I really think fits here is:

“Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can’t even separate love from lust”

Which in my case at the moment is sooooooooo true! I mean am a clinging to something that once was in hopes that it will be again? Or am I strictly clinging to the past from a fear of the future? Am I in denial about where he stands on the matter? Is he in denial of where he stands at the moment? I mean I don’t blame him for not wanting anything at the moment because he is still continuing his collegiate education because he seems to think you can never have too many degrees or certificates – which you know, good for him – but does that affect where he stands on the issue? Does he really only want a beneficial friendship? Actually, it maybe strictly friends now… after the whole incident in September. Anywho, is he taking the position he has to accomplish as much as he can first… or is it something real and he’s in as much fear of something real as I am? Or is this just all in my head? I mean really… all I have to go on is some words, some actions and I’m stuck. If I bring it up he gets frustrated and uncooperative all while trying to convince me there is nothing there.. and yet he doesn’t behave that way.. Last I heard actions speak louder than words. Currently his words aren’t matching his actions so which is the truth? What is the answer? I want to know so I can either work toward getting back together or moving on…his big argument is that I need to experience more guys.. Well that’s all fine and dandy, but I can’t find others if I am still clinging to the old one.

I dunno what to do anymore. Or really what to even think….

www.jamiecullum.com

Crawling out of the Woodwork!

2005-01-11T17:57:00.000-06:00

So, just this past weekend, I heard from just about everyone that I haven't talked to in a while. Of course not the primary people I’m interested in hearing from, but others I enjoyed hearing from. Turns out one of the roomies from Baker (the one I actually liked) called me out of the blue because she was heading up to her boyfriend’s (which is an hour away from my house). So we got to chatting and come to find out she sees guy #2 and his roomie often. She’s gonna get me the info so I can holla hopefully. I only pin a small amount of hope on that happening. She never was very good at follow through. Then I heard from one of the girls I had class with out there, she’s ready to have her baby and I should really try calling her back in the near future before she has it. The other surprising phone call was from one of the guys I used to talk to online. Of course not guy #1 of whom I’d probably die if he actually called me, but one of the other guys I used to talk to frequently. Apparently he’s doing fairly well for himself which is good, but he is so whipped by the GF that it’s not even funny.

Anyway, I liked hearing from these people and I thought about all the other people I would like to have kept in touch with, why I haven’t and what difference it would make. I have also been thinking about the dynamic between guy #2 and his roomie and I. the roomie and I get along, but I don’t know him as well as I could or should for as often as we all used to hang out. Is it because guy #2 had an interest and the roomie knew about it? Or is it more of a thing because the roomie is naturally a shy individual and really takes a long time to get to know? I don’t remember being that guarded about myself back then, but maybe I was and didn’t pay much attention to him then. The situation with me and guy #2 probably had a lot to do with it because I was quite irritated by #2 when we first met. I have low tolerance for people who are drunk and in your face. And when I first met #2 it was that kind of sitcho. I was not amused and gave the guy a lot of crap in the beginning. The roomie was witness to everything so maybe he just chose to keep his distance for safety’s sake??

I after I posted last, I realized there were more guys in my past that I’d wondered about. Of course now that I am trying to think of them, I have nothing to write – but what else is new. And most recently there was the guy at the bar this past weekend. It was okay at first and then he claimed Asthma was one of those things that’s “all in your head” and I got ornery. He got up and left. Obviously this isn’t the way to meet Mr. Wonderful. I don’t know for sure if it was just that comment that set me off or the fact that earlier in the evening my friend I was with tried to use the line about the possibility of meeting Mr. wonderful that night as a way to get me to go out to the bar. I have had a sneaking suspicion for the longest time that most likely won’t be where he’ll be found. I could be misinformed but who knows at this point. Then there is still the whole standstill with guy #3 that makes me hesitate on opening most any new relationship. Even though that was what guy #3 had said at one point he wanted me to do – go out and experience more guys. I wish I could figure out how much of this situation is my still having a strong interest for #3 and how much of it is me clinging to what’s familiar. Ya know the whole “fear of change” thing. I just want to move onto the next phase of my life, I am growing weary and impatient with the status quo. #3 needs to decide and inform me of his true stance instead of having me as standby and then I could determine where the next phase is. With him or strictly friends and find Mr. Wonderful. Next phase, not only in the guy department, but also in the career department. I am so tired of being in school, being broke, living at home. This is not where I envisioned myself at almost 25. Not even close.

The Past & The Present

2005-01-05T23:59:00.000-06:00

I don’t know what it is lately, but I have been thinking a lot about the past. People I’ve known, places I’ve been, things I have done – both personally and scholastically. Maybe it’s the fact I’ll be 25 in a couple weeks, maybe it’s just that time of year, I don’t know. Most specifically I have thought about my friends and the guys I have been close to both in mind and heart and the way things ended (in some cases) with these people. I have noticed when I get hurt, I can get mean. The first guy and I used to talk online daily for a couple years, and then he took a summer in Texas and swore to keep in touch. When he didn’t have the time to, I took it personally so when I talked to him again that winter, I gave him a lot of hassle about the situation and after talking once or twice more; I haven’t heard from him. I hope all is well and he is happy where life has taken him. I would like to get in touch with him to see how things are going, but I don’t know if it’s really appropriate. Or how (better yet if) it would be received.

The next guy, well we never were more than friends, but I think he held an interest. We were very good friends after a rough start, but then I started dating guy three and this one I think got very offended and upset and stopped calling so much. I think its much less about respecting my new relationship at the time and more about all the hype and his possible interest. Everyone we knew kept saying he and I would get together because we had such a rough start. I personally think that’s a bunch of hooey that only happens in movies, but time will tell. I think at the time, he and I were both very immature and the fact we didn’t get together could be all for the best. He enjoyed alcohol a little more than I can tolerate. He went from calling weekly to biweekly to monthly to the 6 month call if you’re lucky. Moved and cancelled his cell – which I knew about the first one, but not the second.

The most recent guy, I actually dated. He and I, as far as I knew things, got along wonderfully and didn’t fight til after he broke up with me. He felt I needed to date more guys and he wanted to check out his other options. He and I managed to stay friends at his request, but I gave him a lot of crap when he initially ‘broke up’ and switched to being friends. He still swears that he’s no longer interested past friends and all that jazz. But actions speak louder than words and lately he’s been acting like that isn’t the case – that there may be a lingering interest. People we hang with and who know us also seem to think there still may be something but can’t quite pinpoint it either. I think this could be hindering my current search to find the right guy. I don’t know where this one stands so I only move so far toward the next because I wouldn’t be totally against getting back with this guy. This guy is a decent guy, he’s got his own macho issues he’s learning about and working through, like anyone else. He gives awesome backrubs, great hugs and almost always smells good (which means anytime he’s not wearing the one body spray I can’t stand). Come to find out he’s paying attention more than you’d think and surprises you with little items or trinkets of information you didn’t think he was paying attention to. And he’d bend over backwards for a friend at the drop of a hat. There are other good things about him that I’m not going to get into at this point. My people didn’t care much for him, because when they first met him he was big city ‘tude. I think it would have been different had they met the guy I met. At some point along the way one of us decided that we couldn’t, shouldn’t or maybe wouldn’t talk about anything so our continuing friendship bond has been as limited as the bonds and interaction that preceded it. Hopefully sometime soon we both can open up again and be even better friends.

I have more, but it’s time for me to get rest, til next time….

Happy New Year!

2005-01-02T00:10:00.000-06:00

2005. It's supposed to be a big year for me, lots of changes in store along the way. In May I will graduate from college (finally!) and begin the process of moving on with life. I will probably keep the summer job i have had for years, and instead of going to Country Thunder (www.countrythunder.com) i will probably take a couple road trips with some friends (keep your fingers crossed). One is to go out east and see the sights and visit my friend in VA. Another is to go to Mackinaw IS. to visit a dear friend from MI. Time will tell, though i really hope i get to make all these trips and graduate with my certificate and find a job for the fall. :) Hopefully, the guy who is driving me crazy will finally decide one way or the other what is going on so i can move on with or without him (whatever his choice is) because i am tired of sitting on that fence!

I hope all my friends (past present and future) find all they expect and wish for in the new year.

End of the semester

2004-12-15T00:21:00.000-06:00

Well, the semester from hell is finally over! I cant believe how much stress i have been under. It's crazy. Hopefully student teaching wont be nearly so bad. I just want to be done with school already.

I am tired of being single too.. it sucks. Why does that part of life have to be so complicated? Many of my friends are already married or engaged and are younger than me. What am i missing? then again whats my rush? really i dont know...

The first try

2004-11-14T21:26:00.000-06:00

Well, apparently this is the way to go so i thought i would give it a whirl. I'm not sure what will come out here but i hope its interesting. Today's irritation is why is it when you ask someone a simple straightforward question do they have to bite your head off and then expect you to be friendly with them? What sense does that make? I give up trying... I'm not even gonna bother asking for information from certain people any more - if they are gonna be like that.

Honestly I dont know why i bother in the first place.....